Life is a mystery and I don’t have any answers to explain how some people can inflict unspeakably horrific actions upon other people. Parents betray their children, relatives abuse loved ones, and supposed trusted authorities commit unspeakable acts of violence. How could things like this happen?
Why forgive when the inclination is to seek revenge? Why forgive before there has been a chance to inflict vengeance on the guilty abuser? Why forgive when justice has not yet been served?
So, when we talk about forgiveness, it’s easy for the person torn, bruised, and scarred from past abuse to become angry with us for such an outrageous suggestion.
Forgiveness is an internal affair. The process begins not because it’s the right thing to do. It is not to please some unseen god in heaven. And certainly not because some ‘authority’ tells us to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice made that has little or nothing to do with another person. We forgive entirely and totally for our own sake, not for theirs.
You will decide to consider forgiveness when the need to free your own soul begins to outgrow your need to punish, hurt, or inflict pain on your abuser. Contemplation of forgiveness awakens within when you become tired of being so consumed with the things that have happened that you cannot find peace for yourself. Forgiveness is a way of clearing yourself from the horrid, putrid energy of an abuser that now eats away at your own soul.
How does forgiveness occur? There’s no easy answer and no simple formula. Forgiveness does not happen on its own and time does not heal all wounds. But should you decide you are ready to let go, then answers of how to forgive will come. Even then, it’s a process. You engage in the choice to forgive over and over and over again. Until finally one day, maybe in the near future or maybe not until many years from now, you realize something is different within you. No longer do you live consumed with fear and anger, you now live in a world where love, peace, safety, and joy are available to you. Your abuser no longer owns you and no longer dictates the destiny of your life.
If you can’t stomach the word forgiveness, consider choosing another word. How about the word ‘freedom’? Because that’s what forgiveness is really all about – your choice to free yourself from the hatred, anger, bitterness that lives within you.
If you are not ready to consider ‘forgiveness’ or ‘freedom’ then let me be one to reassure you that your choice is also correct. The path of anger will lead you to powerful discoveries about yourself, who you are, and who you are not.
He who has not forgiven an enemy has never
yet tasted one of the most sublime enjoyments of life.Johan Kaspar Lavater (1741-1801)
Author Resource: Want to learn more about how to live consciously, love deeply, and laugh often? Come along with Annette Colby and learn the secrets to creating the life you’ve always wanted to live! Subscribe to her blog Divine Self! today.
Similar Posts:
- None Found
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Annette,
This is such an important concept and you hit the nail right on the head. I also think freedom was exactly the right choice of words. Negative emotions are poison and letting go of them is the antidote. Easier said then done, I know – but poisoning ourselves because of what someone else did or said only makes things worse.
Every feeling we have comes from one or more of the three core needs that all humans share. They are: the need for approval, the need for control and the need to feel secure. By identifying which of these has been challenged we can zero in on how to let go of the resulting negative feelings. Here’s an example:
If someone whose opinion we value berates us, we are left wanting approval. Our personal sense of approval has suffered and it leaves us wanting. Internally, wanting means not having or lacking. Once we recognize the “want” that is creating our pain we can let go of “wanting” approval and be left with approval. When the lacking feeling is gone so is the anger or hurt that was associated with it and our sense of approval is restored.
Wanting tells our nervous system that we are lacking. Getting rid of the lacking feeling tells our nervous system that we have. When we focus on lack we create more of the same. When we let go of “wanting” it opens the doors to abundance.
I absolutely love your work.
Kindest,
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
You wrote that every feeling we have comes from three core needs:
Need for approval
Need for control
Need to feel secure
This a wonderful tool we can use to look at our self-doubts and insecurities. When we can recognize what we want and need, then often we can go inside, connect with our own wisdom and love, and bring ourselves back into balance.
Once in balance we can move forward in our lives acting from purpose and grace rather than reacting to fear.
“When we let go of wanting we open our doors to abundance.” What a great quote by you!
Thanks for your wonderfufl insights!
P.S.
If you want to read more of Jonathan’s work, check out Jonathan’s excellent blog: “Advanced Life Skills; Simple Steps to Transform Your Life” at http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/
It is so refreshing to know that you too feel that NOT forgiving someone is okay! I feel this way as well. Depending on who it is/what they did/what happened…some things are just plain unforgivable and that is okay!