If you have a friend or loved one who is experiencing hopelessness or depression, it can be difficult to know exactly what to say or do. While there isn’t any one magic thing to say that will alleviate their pain, there are many ways to offer support.
The best way to offer help is to listen, validate their experience, and provide acceptance. By offering this type of support, you can help put things into a more balanced perspective. In addition, your offer of companionship lets them know that they are not completely alone. They have someone with them even as they attempt to find their ways the a very difficult and dark period.
Some helpful hints are to listen while making the person feel un-threatened. Show them with words and actions that they can trust you. Let them know that you are available. Use your positive energy and retain inner hope that change can occur. Just because they don’t believe they can get through this doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their point of view.
Here are some words to say that will show your support, while also allowing the person to feel what they are feeling.
“You are important to me even when you are feeling down.”
People who are feeling hopeless often think they are weak for feeling this way. They may believe they have a character flaw. Reassure your friend or loved one that you can understand why they might be thinking these types of thoughts, but in your eyes it isn’t true. Offer comfort as you speak from your heart and tell them that you know for a fact that depression or hopelessness isn’t caused by personal weakness, laziness, or because they have bad karma. This statement of compassionate truth validates their experience while also offering them another point of view. Their experience is a legitimate human experience.
“I may not understand what you experiencing, but I do know that there is always meaning in suffering.”
Without trivializing their experience, you can offer a model of acceptance that may help the person begin to accept their experience. Accepting one’s suffering is often a first step to claiming it, becoming familiar with it, and potentially moving beyond it. Don’t claim that you know the meaning of their pain. Let them know that you wish they weren’t hurting, and yet you have faith that this depression is valid and meaningful.
“Would you go outside with me for a short walk?”
The hurt inside and the struggle just to get through the day makes many hopeless or depressed people want to isolate inside the safety of their home or bed. Offer to take the person outside. They will most likely resist your offer. Don’t be pushy, but if at all possible be persistent. Fresh air and a change of scenery can help them breathe, can give them access to the healing power of nature, and can get them through at least part of the day.
“Can I sit with a while? It’s okay if we don’t’ talk.”
Making small talk or taking care of you socially is often an impossible task to a depressed or hopeless person. Even though they are feeling lonely and isolated, they choose to be alone because the thought of keeping someone else entertained requires too much energy. Offer to be with a person and suggest sitting together outdoors, watching television, or reading together. Reassure them in advance that you have no expectations of being entertained. Don’t feel the need to fill up the silence. What is often healing or helpful is your willingness to sit comfortably, even in silence, without expectation.
“I’ve noticed lately that you have been down. Do you want to share your feelings with me? I’d like to listen.”
Listening with compassion to a person sharing dark or despairing feelings can be difficult for most people to handle. It’s a normal tendency to want to talk, give advice, or offer solutions. However, your ability to listen is immensely healing. When you give someone the freedom and safety speak, they are able to hear their own thoughts, often for the first time. Validating and reflective listening (telling them back what you think you heard them say) allows them to hear, in a new way, what is going on in their heads. Listening (not fixing or offering advice) creates movement and allows a fresh perspective to be gained.
Effective paraphrasing reflections that allow the person to feel heard and understood include:
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“Is there a way you can help me see how it is for you?”
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“Let me see if I understand. What you want me to recognize is…”
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“That’s a good point. You feel your life is not worth living…”
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“I can see that you feel strongly about that. Can you tell me more?”
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“I can understand how you could see it like that.” Then paraphrase how you think they see things.
“When bad things have happened to you before, how did you cope?”
They may not be able to come up with an answer, but asking this type of question may trigger them to remember that they have had bad times in the past and they did somehow get through those times. This type of question may help them mobilize their inner resources. It can also help them remember that there was a time before depression and hopelessness and that there is hope for change in the future.
Let your friend or loved one ask the “Why me?”’ question.
Don’t answer their question, but instead encourage them to voice their beliefs. If they fall silent, one way to lead them beyond the, “Why me?” question is to say, “I don’t know why you are suffering, but I am sure it is not because you are being punished or because you’ve done something wrong. What could we do right now to help you feel better?”
“How can I be most helpful to you?”
Most likely they won’t have an answer. Perhaps they have lost interest in things they used to enjoy. Many tasks or hobbies feel overwhelming. And they may have trouble thinking, recalling things, or even focusing. However, be persistent. You never know how your interest and compassion will make a difference in their journey.
If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
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What a great article Annette. Like most men my natural tendency is to want to be Mr. Fix-it. Years ago my wife helped me understand that many times, what was really needed was for me to (in your words) “listen, validate their experience, and provide acceptance.”
So, this comment is for your male readers, all the Mr. Fix-it’s out there. If you want to be thought of as understanding, go back and read this post again. When your done make a copy and keep it as a reminder. Listen to the Doctor – she knows her stuff.
Having worked with troubled teens for a few years, I hear what you are saying, Annette. Having good listening skills is crucial when trying to help someone who is depressed and may be suicidal. Accepting people for who they are without judging them seems to be very hard to do sometimes when they constantly sit on the “pity pot”. However, if we look deeper, we can observe that they are like us and only wish to have unconditional love.
Great article. K.
Dear Kathleen,
Oh, sometimes it is so easy to loose sight of who we truly are. And then we find ourselves sitting on the “pity pot”. I speak not for others, but from my own experience of when I have been lost, or confused, or uncertain as I stood in the darkness and cried, “Why me? What have I done wrong? This is not fair.”
Was the pity necessary? Yes. The pity exists because we have brought ourselves forward in our journey to a place within where we “believe” that we do not have the self-empowerment to move beyond our woes. Yet, eventually we see through our own self-pity. Our spirit rises and illuminates our painful beliefs of limitation. And it is in this moment of awareness that we gain hope that we can effect change in our lives. We glimpse that there is a path of possibility that extends beyond the self-pity. Through our awareness and acceptance of our pity comes the empowerment to move beyond the pity.
Kathleen, you are doing a great work as you sit with troubled teens. I have the deepest admiration and respect for you. It is most difficult to sit with suicidal teens as their energy is not only confused but also turbulent. You are an amazing woman as you are able to find the unconditional love within yourself even when they sit before you darkened, despairing, wild, and without hope. You can find hope within yourself even when they have lost sight of theirs. This is the work of angels.
With love,
Annette
Dear Annette ,
New idea about your book right out of my soul :
on cover words like how you call from the pity pot :
”WHY ME ?” “what i did wrong ?”
“i can only kill myself to relieve myself of this EXTREME TERRIBLE PAIN !”
or : WHAT IF UR LOVED ONE IS A DYING GOD AND U DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HELP HIM/HER ?
And on the Backcover :
Great , there is hope , the journey is long and touch , but also more then sometimes exiting and fun )?)!)
UNBELIEVABLE ! now that i love and accept myself a little bit more thanks to Annettes Carecoaching , ALL my problems have become smaller !! (uhuh true)))))
sorry for not worked out ideas , i do all in 30 sec , love fast !
take good cArte of ur Noble soul and give my very caring greetings to her on hopefully still St Valentine day !!@@!!
Andreiko
IT WILL PASS…………….
was the best thing someone said to me when i was at my lowest point – when i look back to 7 years ago that was my turning point .
Hi k,
You know, it’s never any exact formula or specific words that offers the most help. Maybe it’s just being with someone who cares, or a friend who is willing to provide a broader perspective, or sometimes just someone willing to sit with us when we are in our darkest place that creates a turning point.
How wonderful that you had someone in your world that knew exactly what to say to you when you needed it most. That brings tears of joy to my eyes. Big hugs to you k and we’re all glad you found your turning point.
Great post Annette, I like K have found my turning point (not sure how long ago but who’s counting?) and it feels great!
Hie good people. Am one of those who are feeling lonely and needed someone to talk. I have read the message and am feeling much better. But i really need some advice cause i think am loosing my mind and its drving me nuts.