Chances are that if you’ve been depressed for awhile, or you’re experiencing ongoing hopelessness, some aspect of yourself has begun to drop not so subtle hints about checking out of life. You’ve probably even heard that voice beckoning you with the promise of no more pain, and tempting you with the lure of rest from your self-tormenting thoughts.
Is Suicide An Option?
Depression or hopelessness affects your thoughts in such a way that you may not see any solution to the problem. That’s because depression leads you to focus on failures, disappointments, and the negative side of the situation. Depression obscures any possibilities of happiness or a good outcome. Depression keeps you trapped in overwhelming pain, hopelessness, worthlessness and shame, and a sense of being powerlessness to change current conditions. Depression leads to believing, “there is no way out,” “there’s nothing I can do,” and, “it will never get better.”
When there is no access to joy, no escape from misery, and no hope of things ever changing, it is a natural progression to eventually consider suicide as an alternative. A shift happens when you stop praying to get better and start praying for an end to suffering. It’s not so much that you want to die, rather that you want a “real” change, an escape from an ongoing situation that seems impossible to deal with, or a way to regain a sense of being in control over distressing thoughts or feelings. However, suicide is such a taboo subject that hardly anyone tells us that it is OK to feel so bad that you would think about leaving life.
What To Do With Suicidal Thoughts
If you are having thoughts of suicide follow these three suggestions:
1. Talk with Someone
Instead of hiding suicidal thoughts, explore suicidal ideas in a manner that brings them outside of yourself. This means talking about your feelings with someone who can be caring, calm, non-judgmental, and non-confrontational. Don’t wait until things get better. Call someone such as a friend, counselor, priest, or suicide crisis center that is capable of listening with acceptance.
Two excellent suicide hotline resources in the U.S. include:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
National HopeLine
A 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service
1–800–442-4673
2. Express Depression by Writing or Drawing
If talking with someone isn’t an action that you will take, then write extensively in a journal or on a pad of paper. Overcome your resistance to writing, rise above your desire to keep everything inside and write. Write often. Write big, messy, angry, hopeless words. Write about your problems, express your pent up feelings, describe your loneliness. Use dark colors if you want, cuss, scream, and express your despair. If you are feeling lethargic, then write about how that feels. Be “bad,” say all the things no one wants to hear, be ugly – be anything but the nice “feeling fine” person you show to the world. Avoid thinking you need to solve your problems when you write. Simply give expression to the thoughts trapped in your head. Write about how you are hurting, how your life sucks, how you can’t feel joy anywhere.
If you can’t write, grab a pencil, a handful of colored markers, or a box of Crayola crayons and draw pictures of how you feel. Your pictures aren’t supposed to be pretty, pleasing, or “good.” Instead, they allow you an important avenue of creative expression. What does depression look like to you?
3. Talk to Yourself in the Mirror
If talking to someone seems impossible, if writing or drawing seems overwhelming, then go to a mirror and speak your thoughts aloud. There’s no correct form of self-talk but you do want to look at yourself in the mirror, speak truth, and avoid sugar-coated affirmations. There’s no point in saying positive affirmations such as “I’m blissful, content, and serene,’” when in fact you’re contemplating ending your life. In addition, berating yourself for feeling depressed isn’t going to help either.
Instead, speak truth about your current situation, make a choice to continue living, and give yourself some much needed encouragement. You could say something like:
“I’m feeling depressed and suicidal and it’s okay to feel this way. A part of me wants to give up and it’s showing me how to end my life. But even though I’m feeling this way, I choose to go on with my life today. I don’t know how I’m going to overcome this depression, but I am doing the best I can. For right now, all I have to do is get through this hour. And I’m doing that by talking to myself.”
What’s most important is giving your suicidal thoughts a form of expression. Any form of expression – talking to another person, writing, drawing, or talking aloud to yourself in the mirror – gives you an opportunity to see your situation differently. We are much more able to cope with externalized expression than internalized thoughts.
Doesn’t Allowing Suicide As An Option Encourage It?
A conscious exploration of suicide, of an idea that is already circling in your head, doesn’t mean that you are encouraging this option. Instead, it opens up a dialog with something that you have already been considering.
Unexpressed, internalized suicidal thoughts tend to dwell on the process of suicide. Meaning thoughts are generally related to planning the act, thinking about when you would do it (today, tomorrow, next week), and the method you would use. Without expression, those types of thoughts gather momentum, growing bigger and stronger, until they obsessively swirl around in your head.
However, when you consciously express suicidal thoughts, you move beyond the best method to kill yourself. Rather then dwell on the final details of your demise, you actively explore your distress. You allow yourself to explore why suicide seems the best option, what problems it is supposed to solve, and how your choice might impact your evolution.
Giving expression to your thoughts doesn’t suddenly make everything better, but it does provide opportunity to unburden your troubles and ventilate your feelings. Talking to others, talking aloud to self, or writing allows you to move energy, feel a tiny, tiny (but much needed) sense of relief, and tap into a deeper reserves of creativity and problem solving. Expression means you are taking action and actively bringing new awareness to your situation from new angles and perspectives.
When you keep suicidal thoughts hidden, you become trapped with extremely limited choices. Those choices include:
- Pretending suicidal thoughts aren’t present
- Doing your best to fight against suicidal thoughts (even though what we fight continues to grow stronger every day)
- Sleeping, eating, drinking, or medicating as a means to suppress suicidal thoughts
- Give in to compulsive suicidal thoughts and end your life.
However, when you give yourself permission to explore suicide as an option, you bring those ideas out into the open. These thoughts are no longer frozen in your mind. Instead, expression gives your thoughts the freedom to evolve, and to move beyond noisy, chaotic clatter in your brain.
Allowing Death as an Option Allows Life as an Option
Once you give yourself permission and consciously consider suicide as an option, those thoughts become one option instead of the only option.
As you consciously contemplate your own death, you also contemplate the option of continuing with your life. Maybe for the first time ever you put aside your beliefs of hopelessness, you set aside your obligations to family and friends, and you set aside the belief of suicide being a sin. In your heart, you put yourself first and search for a reason to continue living.
When you explore the possibility of suicide, you open your mind to the most meaningful questions of life itself:
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Do I wish to continue to live? -
What would have to change for me to want to continue life?
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Is it possible to live a life beyond fear and despair?
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What would give meaning to my life?
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What could I do today to give meaning to my life?
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Even though there is no joy to be found right now, do I choose life for myself?
You may not have any answers to these questions, but it is most important that you ask them. Recognition of our ability to affect our own mortality can be a profound experience. When you strip away all ideas of sin, of shame, of obligation to anyone else other than you, would you give yourself life or death?
Many depressed people, when they allow themselves to consciously look at death as an option realize that there is deep important meaning in their depression. It’s not a lesson to be learned, it’s not a punishment, and it’s not a test. Depression is an indicator of a transition or evolution into something new.
Perhaps, this is one purpose of depression all along – to make a conscious choice about deciding to live at this stage in your evolution. As any depressed or hopeless person knows all too well, no higher being has yet come down from heaven to take your depression or suffering away. If a heavenly spirit isn’t going to save you, would you choose to save yourself?
If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
{ 81 comments… read them below or add one }
When I was working with troubled youth a few years ago, I was given the priviledge of attending a two day workshop on suicide prevention. The main thing I learned was to get said person talking and being a good listener—–reading between the lines, so to speak, as to what the person was Really saying.
Thanks, Annette, for another great article.
thats so retarded get alive bitch i hope yo do die…….hjghf
Hi Stacey,
I feel your pain. If you would like to chat, I will listen.
Hugs, Kathleen
Hello Kathleen,
You are an amazing woman and I admire you for your deep love and respect for humanity.
right now I’m very depressed and considering suicide, just don’t have the nerve to do it. My mom in law, whom we live with is such a BITCH she is making my life hell. I also have asperger syndrome, manic depression, substance abuse disorder, eating disorder, post tramatic stress disorder, i could go on, but why? My kid drives me crazy, there is no escape. Probaly I won’t do it. but why shouldn’t I. I mean is my mom in law going to wake up 1 day and not be a bitch, I don’t think so. are my illnesses going to cure themselves? not a chance.
Dear mourning666
Life for you now is complicated, confusing, and feeling hopeless. I hear that you are overwhelmed with difficult people, and coping with so many illnesses and addictions. You are looking for an escape and suicide sometimes seems like the only answer.
I just want to let you know that I hear you, and that I can feel the enormity of your challenges.
I shared an article today titled, Surviving Loneliness. Maybe it will offer a wisp of hope and love to your journey.
You are not alone.
Annette
Dear mourning666,
While reading your comments, the first thing which came to my mind is why are you living in this environment? We all have choices to make and maybe you should be looking at your options. One step at a time……even if it is only a small one….may give you a clearer perspective as what to do next.
No one says that this is an easy feat, but it is better then doing nothing. I’m on your side, so please write me back. You are never alone. Kathleen
I’m just loosing weight and soooo weak and I’ve started thinking of praying and askig God to let me die in my sleep I’m out of options.life csan never be better or happy anymore so when I lay down tonight ill ask for the same thing again
Dear Renee,
I haven’t walked in your shoes, but I can absolutely say that I, along with many other awakening spiritual beings such as yourself, have been where you are right now. It seems as if nothing ever was good and nothing ever will be again.
This is not how you will always feel. There will be joy again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. It will come. Do not take “tomorrow” literally. I just mean to convey that you are going through a terrible ordeal, but there is value in what you are going through and there is value in you even when you feel hopeless.
I’m currently writing a book on depression that I know would help. I wish it was done already and I would send it to you. Perhaps when it is a bit more complete I can send you the rough draft.
Please don’t give up. I know it’s hard. I also know from personal experience that the angels or God will not help you out of this situation. It’s not because they have abandoned you, but because you are in a place of transformation. By necessity you have brought yourself into darkness to discover a higher truth. The angels and God support you, are with you, and wipe your tears. But they cannot, will not, lift you out of this particular depression. You are not sick, you are not diseased, there is nothing wrong with you. You might feel insane, but you are not. You will discover your way through the darkness. Of this I am certain.
Consider the analogy of the caterpillar within the dark cocoon. There’s nothing much the caterpillar can do to end the darkness, but there is much the caterpillar can do to allow the process to continue. There is no “cure” to your depression, but it is possible to get “stuck’ in it, or to choose death before the process is complete. To keep the process moving, do everything that your intuition tells you to do. Yes, your intuition is speaking to you even now. Nothing it tells you to do will seem like it would make much difference, but it is the only way through your depression. It will tell you to go sit under a tree. Breathe. Sit in thunderstorm. Brush your teeth. Get out of your grey sweats. Express your agony in a journal. Get pissed at God. Breathe. Cry. Go to sleep. Get up out of bed. Watch television now. Stop watching television now. Go to the mirror and talk to your body, your mind, and your spirit. Breathe consciously. Do what you inwardly know you need to do and let go of everything else. Breathe deeply. These are the actions of expression that keep the process moving forward.
You are never alone in your journey even in the darkest recesses of your depression.
We love you.
I dont hear any balance in any of this. Suicide is awful for lots of people but surely not for everyone. I’m referring to myself here. I want to die and am actively looking for sites that will support me in my wish but all I find are sites that seek to discourage me and its all the same stuff they offer. Basically that I’m a worthwhile human being and what about the family ect ect. Well I dont have a family just to nail that one, and the worthwhile bit, well who cares? I dont and thats all that matters (being selfish on that score I know). So please if you want to be really helpful, leave some space for those who can offer real material here for people like me who just do not want to live anymore.
Dear Yvonne,
I can understand what you are saying. At first glance, it may appear that my article is yet another “don’t commit suicide” piece of advice. What I am saying in the article above is that sometimes we hold all the suicidal feelings inside without ever giving ourselves an opportunity to say it aloud. Because of guilt, or shame, or because we’ve been taught it’s wrong to express such feelings, we stuff them all down. People generally don’t want to hear that we’re angry or hopeless or ready to give up. My article is an exploration of how to bring those feelings into expression.
I hear your perspective stating suicide may not be the right choice for many people, but that for some, suicide is the correct option. In fact, you have chosen this Divine Self! website to proclaim your desire not to live anymore. Yvonne I hear your desire to not live. You have a sacred space here to share your thoughts and feelings. Thank you.
It is not my place to encourage or discourage your choice to live or die. It is your life, your body, and your choice. In my perspective, that is one of the gifts depression offers to us. The true inner knowingness that we don’t have to stay here. That the CHOICE is in our own hands.
However, you are not only gaining a new conscious awareness that you could choose to leave life, but also that you could consioulsy choose to remain here. You are awakening to your own divine potential.
The truth is awakening within you. That truth is that you are responsible for choosing. You do not need the world, or the world wide web to give you permission. You are the person who chooses and then lives the outcomes of those choices.
When it comes down to it, even in this most horrible of experiences, would you choose you?
With much love,
Annette
Yvonne–
When studies have been done on patients who were at one time suicidal, they were asked if they were glad that they had chosen to live. The answer was an unequivocal yes.
Recently, I wrote my own blog post on depression, titled “Understanding Suicide.” I hope Annette doesn’t mind if I post the link here:
http://www.open.salon.com/blog/mary_ann_farley/2009/04/21/understanding_suicide
Right now, you are suffering from the disease of depression, and like anyone in chronic pain, after awhile our will to live simply erodes. (In fact, my entire blog deals with the journey of chronic pain…and depression.) It’s not so much a wish to die, but simply a wish to no longer feel this agonizing pain.
In my own journey with depression, I, too, am glad that I didn’t kill myself. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have learned all that this agonizing ordeal ultimately taught me, which I know Annette has alluded to.
Annette coached me once by saying to “just accept and stop fighting,” and that did indeed give me the strength to keep going, even when there seemed to be no hope at all that I would ever get better.
In accepting fully my fate, I turned it into a blog, and that has done more for my healing than I ever could have imagined.
I’m still struggling, mind you…sometimes a lot…but that permanent midnight has lifted.
It will for you, too.
Mary Ann
I am now fighting with the thought of suicide and keeping hope. I’m losing my hair, cannot find a relationship, and no one takes me seriously. I feel like a walking joke. I just wrote down the reasons for me to do it and not to do it and the reasons to do it outweighed the other reasons. Something in me just wants to keep going. God (if there is one) knows why.
Dear Charles,
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. Depression is something so difficult and so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it. My heart is with you as you go through this most difficult journey.
I’m wondering perhaps if you are moving through a spiritual depression right now. I kind of feels like it, as you describe the typical self-loathing, questioning who and where God is, and the reasons you have to continue living that tend to accompany spiritual depression. If so, please know that there is deep value in your experience, even though you may not see it right now. Changes are occurring that will allow a more direct knowingness of your Divine Self. These changes probably won’t become apparent until well after the depression has passed, but they are occurring. Your job right now is to keep breathing, spend time in nature, follow your intuition, and do your best to stay alive.
I’m currently placing the finishing touches on a book entitled Depression Freedom: Ending the Reign of Darkness. I wish it was already in print so that I could send you a copy. Instead, I cut out a small section that deals with thoughts of suicide and attached it to a separate email. I hope you can find something useful within my words.
If you want to talk, let me know.
It may feel like you are all alone, but know that the angels are with you. They can’t take this journey for you, and they can’t take it away. But they can cry with you, hold hope for you, and sit by your side.
Love,
Annette
Charles–The first distressing thing you express is something all humans deal with at some point…the loss of control over our bodies as they go through the aging process. I just went through menopause, and my body has changed more in one year than all the years of my life combined. It’s a difficult pill to swallow, but as a counterpoint, I always remind myself of all the ways my life has changed for the better by being older and wiser.
I hope that you, too, can find this place of acceptance. As for losing your hair, I say…shave your head! That’s SUCH a great look, whether guys are losing their hair or not. And as for a relationship, I’ve heard it said that the best substition for romance is adventure. It’s so true when you think about it. You can’t control having a relationship, but you CAN plan a trip to Egypt, or go skydiving, or whatever.
And last, if no one takes you seriously, I have to ask–do you take yourself seriously? Once your self-esteem is intact, everyone else can go to hell.
If your self-worth is seriously low, get some counselling, or read one of Annette’s great books, like “Your Highest Potential,” which I reviewed on Amazon. It’s a *great* read.
Good luck on your journey…
Mary Ann
I have been reading through the experiences of people and the advice given on this blog. Other people’s experiences make me feel a wee bit ashamed as I currently have a comfortable life and people around me who care about me yet I still believe I shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
I am not a particularily nice person and have never managed to say “I love you” to any of my friends or family (I refuse to say it without truly meaning it) during my 30yrs on this planet. I have made so many mistakes and hurt people I really shouldn’t have and so far my life has been a large mistake in itself. As for why I was born in the first place, the creator only knows:S.
My experiences so far have led me to believe that while i really would like to live “properly”, I am unable to and killing myself is a very “appealing” option – to be honest i’m kinda hoping it’s like hitting a reset button or deleting a character that went wrong in a computer game.
Please excuse my rambling, trying to think things through is never easy when I’m like this, i guess what i’m trying to say is I’d like to live a truly happy life and if i can’t i don’t see the point. I don’t want hurt any others and just want to be happy ( fall in love and live with a soulmate, be able to find something that i truly enjoy and then do it for a living) but my experiences have led me to believe that the likelihood of these things ever happening are slim.
I can’t / really don’t want to keep going on like this (have been up and down like this for at least the last fifteen years) and I need to find a way to finally deal with all my problems or find a way out.
Thank you for letting me be able to post this.
Happiest wishes
Sandy
Dear Sandy,
Feeling ashamed is part of the depression experience. You can look around, compare your life and experiences to other people, and come to the conclusion that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you feel. And that is exactly why I wrote my upcoming book on Depression. I believe depression to be a valuable, life changing experience, during which we face and transform all that is dark and perceived as unlovable about us. Your depression is the journey that is in the process of lifting humanity to a new level of harmony, peace and enjoyment. You are on the journey of recognizing your “Divine Self!”
I hope the introduction from this upcoming book can give you a broader sense of your experiences:
“Standing still has never been the path of the human heart. That is not why we are here. Eventually, a call deep within each one of us issues forth and directs us to pursue the deep questions. A lust to understand life, a longing for liberation, and desire for spiritual illumination urge us to go beyond what exists into what is yet to be born.
Answering the call to know ourselves beyond the hypnotic bustle of daily existence, we enter the doorway into our own personal world of inner knowledge. What meets us is a pilgrimage that requires self-liberation from the beliefs, assumptions and ideas that formed the basis for our prior experiences. We travel deep within to illuminate our previous choices and perceptions so we can become renewed and transfigured into our evolved selves.
During this illumination process, we meet the ghosts we had been desperately trying to avoid. Inadequacies, dissatisfactions, and formerly suppressed self-doubts now rise up to greet us. Unable to run away or push them back down, we face the internal ghosts of our insecurities and fears. At first we believe them to be real. We believe ourselves small and limited, less than Divine, and that perhaps we should have never been born at all.”
Perhaps you have not been able to say “I love you” to any of your friends and family because you know deep within you that how others define as love, does not match what your spirit knows love to be. The love that you hold is different from what you see in the world. Instead of being less than others, you carry the seeds of something new and grand.
I know what it feels like to want to give up…to believe the temptation that states ending your life would hit the “reset” button. The choice is yours of whether to exit or continue on. What I heard from within my spirit was that there was no “reset” button. Not because anyone bigger than I, or any Divinity would punish me, but that this journey of self-evolution between my human self and my spirit self was so important, that I would return to Earth only to continue from where I left off. If you’re anything like me, then you know what you’ve already gone through to reach this point.
Despite your current thoughts that your life has no value, that is also part of the depression process. Spiritual depression is evolution—a rough and imperfect journey required to remember our place in the world. It is the dark space between the end of what was and the beginning of what will be. It is an experience of transfiguration where we abandon commitments and restraints in search of a freedom that we define ourselves. You’ve given up old connections to how life is “supposed” to be lived, but not yet discovered what lies beyond that level of consciousness. Until you find your way through the darkness, I believe in you, and I believe in the value of your journey.
You are the creator of your life, and that is exactly the point of your depression. To discover these secrets, and to remember why you are here. It is easy, however, to become frozen within the journey. Some of what we must face is so dark and so disturbing that we don’t believe we can keep going. So we inadvertently freeze the process. Fifteen years is a long time to feel this depression. But the fact that you’re still here and alive, implies to me that deep down, deep within your spirit, you know the value of your journey. Your life may not look the same as the other people around you, and it may not fit the common definitions of what you “should” be experiencing. However, the evolution that you are currently engaged in is the most important experience you could possibly be living right now. It’s not a fun experience, and it’s one that you may decide not to continue on, but it is a grand and honored journey.
You’re doing great by writing down your fears and dark thoughts and you are always welcome here in our Divine Self! community. If you don’t already have one, get a journal and keep writing. Express all those awful, sad, lonely, vulnerable thoughts. They need loud, bold, angry, unedited expression and they need you to hear them. But always remember there is more to you than those dark thoughts and beliefs.
You are never alone, and you are always loved.
Annette
A lot of what you said Annette holds truth for me, but does my journey really have to be so confusing and at times so painful….I certainly hope others find a happier path to where they want/need to go!
For me, I don’t understand a thing right now and my head is somewhere it really shouldn’t be for any kind of happy journey to develop – epecially for this length of time. Whatever path i choose the journey will go on anyway I just hope it’s a happy one for me and every other sentient being.
Now I just need to decide what way to do and follow through all the way, much easier said than done. I really need to get off this particular roundabout!
Happiest wishes
Dear Sandy,
I do wish that your journey would be less confusing and painful. And I wish there was more I could do to end your suffering. But you and I are joined together in prayer that this journey of evolution and empowerment will be easier for those who follow their path to where they want/need to go.
If you are feeling at high risk for ending your life, please try to find a way to negotiate with yourself to not make a decision from a place of reacting to painful emotions. If possible, find someone to talk to. A friend who can listen, a counselor, or a pastor that can listen with kindness can help you through an especially dark moment. Also, crisis hotlines are available to listen and help you talk.
USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
Holding you in my thoughts,
Annette
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I don’t know your circumstances or how you live. Would you like to share with me? It is quite possible that we have a lot in common.
Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,
Thank you for reaching out to Sandy and others. You so often extend your hand to those who are feeling lost or alone. You don’t just say nice words, you put action to your ideas as you offer people your time and willingness to listen. So often, people in depression feel like no one will listen to them, and that they are alone in the world. But you, dear one, offer to listen and validate thier experiences. Even if no one takes you up on your offer, you still let people know they are worthy of being alive, even when things seem completely dark. Thank you for being such an important part of our community.
Annette
Just like to say I agree with what Annette just said. Thank you for your time and I can’t speak for the others but I appreciate your reply and wish you a’ the best.
Sandy,
My first thoughts are that “you dance to a distant drummer” which in my opinion makes you truly unique. What YOU believe makes other people happy will not necessarily make You happy. Stop and consider this.
I believe we are All brainwashed from the time we are born to live a certain way according to our caregivers. When we display non-typical behaviour, we are dubbed “weird” for lack of a better word. Hence, we learn at a very young age that we don’t fit the “Norm”! I felt this way for many years and still do in some situations. But, I know I have many good attributes……..I don’t lie, cheat or harm people on purpose. I also believe we are taught to love at a young age……..whether it be other people, a pet, or something that gives us pure joy! In my case, I have always loved to read. “We read to know we are not alone”. This is a quote from the movie The Shadowlands…..based on the life of C.S.Lewis. If you don’t know who he was, maybe I could suggest you find out by visiting your local library or check him out online?
Happiness has to come from within because we are all unique in our own way. We can’t expect others to make us happy, however it is always nice to have some loving support to help us along on our journey. Just remember no one is truly alone in this life if they desire a friend……we must be our own best friend before we can expect others to be a friend. It is truly amazing when you think about things……..No One can read your thoughts……and I say that is a good thing! I wouldn’t wish for others to read mine.
God helps those who help themselves. You do have a Higher Power who is guiding you, although you may not believe this right now. The night is always darkest before the dawn. It is a fact that the Sun is always shining even though we can’t always see it or feel its heat.
Do you listen to music?
You are sending messages through the internet, which tells me you do have computer skills. I never learned to type properly and never got into computers until I was about 50. Wow! I’m now 60 and I’ve come a long way. We are never too old to learn…..I’m a prime example.
I’ll be here whenever you wish to chat.
Always, Kathleen
Thank you for your comments yesterday – it wasn’t a good day for me, fortunately today has started off better, I seem to have more ups and downs than a yo-yo on a pogo stick!
I like the “dance to a distant drummer” bit, although I think the drummer needs to get his rhythmn sorted out because my dancing is awful, both metaphorically and physically – I seem to stand on far too many toes (most of the time my own). I do really enjoy listening to music, the types i listen to all depend on how I’m feeling at that time.
Happiness is a strange thing to me as sometimes I’m perfectly happy doing something and then a day or so later it holds no meaning for me. I’ve tried to search for something that I truly enjoy and that has meaning to me but without success so far.
The problems seem to arise when I try to justify my existence to myself or when I make mistakes when either of these things occur I usually “take the ball and run with it”. When I’m like that I just want to escape from being myself (kinda hard to do). Distracting myself works up to a point but if I’m feeling really bad then nothing holds my interest deeply enough.
Thank the creator that nobody can read my thoughts, the amount of utter nonsense (a lot of it neither nice to others nor pleasant to me) that goes through my head is unbelievable – sometimes I am able to just dismiss them as nonsense and other times I wonder why I’m thinking them in the first place. Thought control never has been a my strong point.
I’m glad that you managed to learn how to use computers and at 50 as well, I know a few people who wont go near them even though they can provide a lot of entertainment and information.
Thanks again
Sandy
Hi Sandy,
The SERENITY PRAYER uses works for me…..do you know it? Try to live in the moment and not worry about what is to be or how you will feel as the day wears on.
Sometimes we try too hard to make our lives “work”. It is so much easier to just relax and “go with the flow”. Also, like Annette says, Breathe.
Don’t believe for one minute that you are the only person who “thinks utter nonsense”…….I surely have my moments in this department. haha
Be kind to yourself…….you are the only person in this world that you can 100% rely on. Be your own best friend. We All have our “ups and downs”……..no one is living a perfect life…….everyone has at least one problem which they are dealing with………whether it be emotional, physical, spiritual , financial etc. However, some people are better at masking their problem than others, for whatever reason.
Although we live in a Crazy world, there are always people who would love to chat with you……consider your resources…….open your eyes and ears. This person may be right in front of you.
I must tell you that I used to work with troubled youth ages 15-19, so I do have an idea as to where you are coming from. Needless to say, they weren’t all receptive to my sense of humour. If we can laugh at ourselves, then that is half the battle. I learned this for myself while trying to help them. Maybe you could try helping others. You will be amazed as to how much you will learn about yourself.
Please write me back……I so enjoy hearing from you, Sandy.
Always, Kathleen
Hi again
,
I had a nosy at the serenity prayer – good advice, acting on said good advice I’d find difficult though, I don’t know about you but during the day I totally lose focus of who I am and tend to get swept up in current thoughts. Trying to keep concentration or focus on something is tough. I have more self tapes/books than I know what to do with but I either seem to forget what I have read (even if it makes sense/ holds true to me) or I just don’t have enough belief that it’ll work. Needless to say I have a lot of mental “training” to do to get myself to thinking in a way that’d help me be happy.
Just because other people think “utter nonsense” doesn’t mean that I should or make it right. I understand that thoughts are just mental reactions to stimulus and may not mean much beyond what meaning i place on them …..but that doesn’t make them any less annoying or disturbing when unpleasant ones come along. Trying to change how I naturally respond to certain situations is difficult to say the least.
I have thought about trying to help others with the same types of problems as myself but until I can properly deal with myself I may do more harm than good and that is something to be avoided. Another thing I thought about is being a teacher in a place where people don’t have an education, I wouldn’t be able to teach anything too advanced but numeracy/mathematics I should be able to handle without a problem ( I like working with numbers) but these are things to cotemplate more seriously when I’m able to control myself “properly”.
I’d imagine that working with youths would be really demanding, I wouldn’t have the patience for that, but I’d also imagine it’d be very rewarding being able to help them, see them grow and especially since they will probably always remember you for the help you gave.
Thank you for your advice
Happiness
Sandy
Good morning, Sandy
A quote comes to my mind as I read your reply:
“We are as happy as we make up our minds to be”……..I can’t remember where this came from, but would like to find out. I know there is a web site for famous quotations , but not in my favourites, so will have to do some research.
I, too, used to read self-help books. Enjoyed them while reading the material, then would forget what was said. I used to collect books like crazy, but it got to be too much, plus took up too much room. Now I hold onto a couple favourites, and give away the remainder.
Paul Ferrini wrote an interesting one in 1997 entitled “The 12 Steps of Forgiveness”. It is a practical manual for moving from fear to love. I recommend this very highly on my list of must haves. He also wrote “Love Without Conditions”, which I have not read.
If I had a dollar for every book I have purchased up to this moment, I would probably have enough to buy at least a new car. lol Being
a “numbers person”, you could arrive at an estimate very quickly.
The word “control” means having the power to give orders or to restrain something. I advise you to use the method of “freeflow”…….letting your thoughts jump onto the paper as fast as you can without even thinking about what you are writing. I tried this for a time in my life and found as soon as my feet hit the floor my journeying took off like a bullet. Now I sit at the computer with my coffee(mmmmmmmmmmmmmm,good) and have my very own private time. I usually get disrupted when Tia, my German Sheppard, wants out.
Do you have a pet?
I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. Please know that I do care about you…….you are human.
Always,
Kathleen
Good After-morning,
Nice quote, more quite enpowering if you know how to. I definately prefer freeflowing as opposed to being controlled but control is sometimes necessary in my opinion and the way my mind is occassionally it really needs to be controlled although being guided may be a less forceful way of putting it.
Yeah self help books work for me for a little time but I tend to forget the content of them when “caught up in the moment”.
Love is not something I’ve ever felt, I care about some people and want them to be happy but that’s not the same at all.
I used to have a few pets when I was younger but I wasn’t a particularly understanding person then and as for right now I wouldn’t want one as I can’t even look after myself properly, never mind having to look after another soul.
Lol at the human part….well close enough I suppose:)
Happiness
Sandy
PS Gotta enjoy coffee in the morning!
Just me again, Sandy…….can’t say Good Morning, as it is afternoon here in my neck of the woods! So, Good Afternoon.
I was out visiting a friend last evening and never got to bed until late, thus my reason for sleeping in this AM.
I found the link for the Quotations page……searched “happy” and found the source…….came from Abraham Lincoln.
How are you today? Another year is coming to a close……time for New Beginnings. However at this time of year, I always reflect on the past year for a few moments, then bring the present back into perspective. Time flies by so quickly, especially as we age. At least this is my view on the matter.
We have to make do with what we have and be grateful. Considering what is happening on this “big ball of mud”, we have to set our minds on how fortunate we are to be living where we are. I always say that the grass is no greener on the other side of the fence!
When I see these little children on the TV with no one to care for them, it makes me sad because life isn’t fair. Why do some countries appear to have it all, while others have very little?
I’m rambling here, sorry.
If we looked at each day as a new beginning, it can be. “Each day is a new day with no mistakes in it”……Anne of Green Gables. How I love L.M Montgomery’s writings. Do you have any favourite authors?
Thank God that the TV has an off button. I find there is so much “garbage” on it. However, we all have the choice of picking and choosing what we want to view. Like life……we choose how we live. The best part is no one can live our lives for us……we alone have that responsibility!
I hope you have a Happy and Healthy New Year’s Eve…..will chat with you again tomorrow.
Always,
Kathleen
Happy New Year Kathleen,
The internet is pretty amazing when it comes to trying to find information, facts wise it’s great but opinions about things tend to be ….. varied.
I think reflection is helpful as long as it doesn’t become dwelling – ah the irony. Someone once said that life should be like looking in a mirror showing only what’s there to be seen at that time and never holding on to anything when it’s gone.
I feel bad for the children on TV too, makes me sad although I don’t understand why their parents would choose to bring a life into the world in those circumstances, I suppose only they can truly understand why though as I haven’t been in their situation and hopefully never will be.
I tend to read fantasy books about magicians and dragons etc, yes i know i probably should be reading more adult books but sometimes (a lot of the time) I enjoy forgetting about my troubles and immersing myself in a good adventure story.
Do you have any resolutions for the new year, mines are quite simple – to try and really appreciate what I have and to try and open myself up a bit more instead of being as withdrawn and analytical/judgemental. Already had a couple of moments of epic failure on the second part today but i’ll hopefully manage it when I’m ready to.
Have a really happy new year
Sandy
If you wish to keep in contact, please let Annette know, Ok?
Sandy,
Kathleen is not inconvenienced and she would very much like to continue her conversation with you. I have asked that your conversation be taken off the web and into a more safe place, such as email between one another. My email is Annette@AnnetteColby.com. Please write me so I can explain further and share your emails with one another. Kathleen has already given her okay to share hers with you.
Annette
Sandy:
So often, the truths that we seek aren’t in books or great quotes, but in our own hearts and histories.
When we’re not aware that our agony is rooted in our childhoods, we begin asking questions about the world at large…questions that are almost impossible to answer.
The truth you seek is within YOU and by that I mean you must embark on a therapeutic process with a qualified professional in order to get to the real root of your malaise and poor self esteem.
Very often, when we see the truth of why we are the way we are, we truly are set free.
I was in therapy for many years and just loved the process. If these ideas resonate for you, I’m here to discuss them further.
Please excuse any typos as I’m writint this on a Blackberry. Ack!
Mary Ann
Good job being able to type that on a Blackberry:)
I’ve been to therapy a few times, normally having a wee chat made me feel a bit better at the time but it never really got down to the root of my problems and when I have a proper bad day then most of the time I don’t have the ability to correct thinking patterns, I simply want to escape from being myself. I’m glad it worked for you though:)
Thinking back I to when i was a child, I was even more ignorant than I am just now and was even more clueless about how things work and hence was not a nice kid at all. I refuse to blame others for my short-comings as a person, I am now old enough to try and change the way I think about something although it really isn’t easy as my “natural” thoughts are often stronger.
I’ll keep on trying though and whatever happens is probably what needed to happen (don’t think that this is always the case, but that is just my opinion).
Happiness
Sandy
Sandy:
The fact that you are referring to yourself as having been an ignorant and clueless child speaks volumes. Someone gave you this message about yourself and you bought into it as an adult.
EVERY child is ignorant and clueless, although using that language is so negative. Did your parents use these words? Most people would use the word innocent instead.
From where I sit, it seems so clear to me that you received awful messages about yourself as a kid.
While it’s true that we are responsible for our own happiness, it’s also true that in the therapeutic process, there IS a time to lay blame where it belongs.
Sometimes it’s easier to blame ourselves for our pain than to point the finger at those who were supposed to have loved and encouraged us, but instead hurt us deeply.
Part of being responsible for yourself is working through this difficult process with a trained professional, which can sometimes take years. That’s not as awful as it sounds as it’s a fascinating journey, and it works.
You are not this awful person you’re describing.
There’s nothing quite like being free of the quagmire of our own minds. To get to that place, I know of no other way of getting there than what I described. If anyone has another answer, please weigh in.
Wishing you peace and freedom,
Mary Ann
To Thine Ownself, Be True!
This info has been very helpful. I, on my own have taken all these steps and they have helped. Still, the thoughts come surging any time I think of my wife spending any time with a “friend” from work. The main anchor besides God is my daughter Maddie. She is two years old and I keep reminding myself how important it is to be around as she grows up. Its very unnerving how this has now become a Knee-jerk reaction to my marriage woes. Whats scary is, I already have it planned out. I just simply dont want to die. I feel this is a cowardly act. Every minute of every day, I have to make the choice to pick life.
Dear Brian,
I really understand what you are saying. You have these thoughts circling in your head that become obsessive in nature. Because you can’t find the answer to why YOU want to stay in this life, this other aspect of your personality works overtime trying to find the answer to how to end your pain or fill your void. Then one day, this part of you offers up the idea of suicide. It’s a solution to this problem, and one that you can’t readily argue with. You’ve been searching for a long time for an answer to end your pain, and now this aspect of you has landed on the Eureka solution.
You didn’t say yes to the option of suicide, but you didn’t say no either. As a result, the part of you that holds suicide as the answer perceives your evasion as a green light to continue shaping the solution. Instead of just proposing suicide as a possible alternative, it now offers itself as the only way out. The solution begins to clarify with details and images of how, when, and where you should proceed. You not only hear the voice of suicide, you also see images of how you would follow through, and begin to feel the promised relief of that solution.
What’s an answer of how to move beyond these suicidal thoughts? In part, by doing what you did today…you spoke your ideas aloud. Instead of keeping those thoughts locked inside, where they continue to gain energy and intensity, you gave them expression and placed those thoughts outside of yourself where you could view them with a new perspective.
Continue your course of action by examining your ideas of suicide more deeply, in a journal, with a therapist, or a friend. Avoid dwelling on the final details of your demise, and instead actively explore your distress. Allow yourself to explore why suicide seems the best option, what problems it is supposed to solve, and how your choice might affect your evolution.
An essential question such as “should I commit suicide” opens the doorway into spiritual self-inquiry. It leads deeply through the darkness of our negative beliefs about our ability to receive love, our worthiness, our definition and connection with god, and why we are alive. Exploration encourages us to ask related questions, such as why would you want to stay alive, what is the importance of your life, why would you stay alive for your wife of child but not for yourself?
Exploring the essential question of suicide is not an easy journey. However, as we give permission to ourselves to explore our desire to die, we also give permission to explore our desire to live.
Thank you, very much. I’m only 27, and that is too young to make such a permanent choice. I promise myself everyday to wait to see what tomorrow brings. If I died today, I’d never find out.
Dear Brian,
There is so much that lies ahead for you tomorrow. And it’s often impossible to remember that when a wave of depression overtakes you. When things get darkest, reach out to someone–a best friend, a trusted pastor or counselor, a crisis hotline, or me if that feels comfortable. Sitting with someone who is not depressed, talking to someone who can listen without judgment, or walking quietly in nature with a friend can help move some of those dark energies and allow a more balanced perspective.
Your depression seems to be a crisis point, a time to look inward, heal old wounds, and pave the way to bring expanded love into yourself. I can see by what you write above, that you are already in the process of gaining new value for your Self and your Life. Depression is a difficult path to navigate, and I honor you for your courageous journey. Keep moving forward by breathing, expressing, and taking care of yourself. Even though it may seem like you are alone at times, you are never alone.
Thank you for sharing the honesty of both your pain and your insights with us. You are an awakening angel. Tomorrow waits for you with open arms.
I just wanted to give an update that I’ve come along way, and have chosen life. The thoughts are far from me, and the depression has lifted. Thank you very much for being there and listening.
Brian, life is gladdened to have you continue forward… and so am I.
Your article was very insightful…..I have been suicidal for three years and I struggle with this this life or death decsiion which you referred to, all the time.What I feel even more intensely thn hopelessness is a complete lack of will to live and challenge whatever that I am facing.Something in my system just seems to be wired to capitulate and give up!!!Cognitive reasoning and antidepressants and the methods you mentioned give me temporary courage to go on but something inside of me has decided it doesntw ant to live anymore.I am afraid it will win ultimately.
Dear Sophia,
I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time coping with your depression. It must be tremendously difficult to get up each day knowing you have to deal with those intense feelings one more day. It can seem like you are living in an eternity of darkness and despair. I commend you for your courage to continue moving forward, despite the depressive emotions you are carrying.
It’s true that right now you do not feel the will to go on… at least not in the same ways that you have gone on before. Right now, your human self is in a frantic and frenzied state, as is your spirit. This gigantic out of sync feeling between your human self and your spirit self is creating an intense time of suffering. Yet it is that suffering that is also creating the driving energy to reach a higher state of consciousness. None of it makes sense when you are in the midst of depression, but even though this is a difficult time for you, there is meaning and value in your journey.
I know that somehow you will find your way. It is in your nature to get through this, not with medication as you have discovered through experience, but with perseverance and intuition. Your intuitive guidance will continue to speak to you to visit certain websites, sit outdoors, go for walks, express yourself creatively, write in your journal, breathe, etc. Those intuitive actions do nothing by themselves to get you feeling much better overall. But they do work to dissipate the stress of what you are going through, keep some of the heavier energies moving, and keep you from getting frozen in the process of depression. One day, when the time is right, you will find a way to emerge from your depression. As that happens, you bring your spirit and human self into a new relationship.
You are in a journey. A tremendously difficult journey, but you are already moving forward. Keep breathing, keep writing in your journal, go outside often, and follow your intuition. If you are interested, my book Depression Freedom may contain some of the answers and insights you have been looking for. It’s available on this blog or on my website at http://www.AnnetteColby.com
If you ever need to talk, please write to me at Annette@AnnetteColby.com or call at 972.985.8750. You are never alone.
I am beyond depressed I feel so lost I don’t where to turn now. I’m in the middle of a sexual assault trial.. it’s been dragging on and on as the defence have been requesting so many details on my history including my therapy notes from after this incident and from a previous time when I was at university 16 years ago. The prosecution said they would drop the case if I didn’t agree to disclose them and now I feel afraid to speak to anyone about how I feel incase it is used in the trial against me and I am supposed to be the victim here.
I feel suicidal. I have no one I can turn to as I have over the last six months pushed everyone away from me. I have never felt so low and alone. I feel like the only solution is to walk away from the trial but I know doing that is going to leave me feeling more sad and worthless.
I am utterly broken. I can’t speak to anyone professional as I feel it will be used against me and my friends have no idea how I feel and I don’t want them to be burdened with this, I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up as to them I smile at all the right times they have no idea.
I did try your suggestion of speaking to myself in the mirror but I hated seeing myself like that cos I got so upset it made me feel more pathetic. What else can I do?
Sophie
Dear Sophie,
I don’t know the answers to your questions but I’m glad you shared yourself and your experiences here. My heart is open to your pain. I haven’t walked in your shoes, but I can imagine the lost, hopeless, and alone feelings you are describing. I’m sorry that you are in such a difficult place and that you don’t know how to get out from the energies of oppression and abuse. From your description it seems like the world is coming at you from all sides and no matter which way you turn there doesn’t appear to be a way out. No wonder a part of you is seeing suicide as an answer to end this nightmare you are in.
Mary Ann offers some great ideas below. It may seem like you are alone, but there is much support for you in the world. The angels, both human angels and spirit angels, are with you.
What I see is a courageous woman who may not know yet how to escape this horrible experience, but whose spirit doesn’t want to give up. Even though you feel you can’t talk to professional therapists for fear of your words being used against you, you are saying “No. I will not hide my emotions and my experience. I will give expression to both my pain and my courage.” One example is that you have found alternative forms of expression, such as this Divine Self! Blog. Mary Ann listed some additional avenues of expression below.
Maybe talking to yourself in the mirror didn’t work out so well the first time, but then again maybe it did. You were brave to try something new and courageous to see the part of you that is scared, helpless, and truly doesn’t know what to do. You may not have liked what you saw, but it was important to see that part of you. Dare to go back to the mirror. Dare to see that part of yourself again. That part of you isn’t all of who you are, but it is an important part wanting expression, wanting acceptance, and wanting something else. It’s up to you to listen and find out what the part of you that you saw in the mirror wants. Maybe it’s not wanting you to give up on yourself? Maybe it’s not wanting you to cower to the energies of hatred and abuse living inside of you?
I believe that right now, you are in the most important experience of your life. The drama that is playing itself outside of you is also playing inside of you. I know you are frightened of those big dark energies that seem to threaten you and beat you down. I know you don’t yet know how to get out of this situation. But you will and you are. You say you are broken, and I believe you. But what you may not have noticed is that you are broken, and yet still alive. You are alive by choice. Sometimes we have to be willing to let ourselves break down before we can see that what we were afraid of can no longer control us or dictate our life’s expereinces.
When you are ready, go back to that mirror and notice that you may not be doing this journey of freedom and transformation perfectly, but you are doing it. You will come out of this experience with the transformation you intended for yourself. With all my heart, with every fiber of my being, I believe in you.
Annette
P.S. I wrote a book called Depression Freedom that will offer new perspective, hope, and help. If you are drawn to it, call or email me to buy it today, and I’ll ship it to you free overnight.
Sophie: please keep in mind that this is a terrible time in your life that will pass. Yes, it’s been going on for a long time, but it WILL end and I admire your courage in prosecuting your attacker in light of all your suffering.
The choices are hard–it sound like prosecution opens up your personal life, but letting him walk would be an intolerable injustice.
I don’t know what the laws in your country are, but perhaps the scope of what your therapist can discuss during the trial could be limited. It does sound like one of those horrible situations where the victim goes on trial.
If you feel you can’t gain support from your immediate circle (altho I suspect they’d be much more sympathetic than you’re anticipating), then seek out a victims right group. It sounds like you need a skilled advocate who could perhaps give you both emotional support and additional legal info.
You’ve come to the right place. I’m sure Annette will have even more suggestions.
Thank you Mary Ann for your compassionate words to Sophie. I love you for being you and for being so quick to share your gift of understanding.
Sophie: One thing I forgot to mention is this old chestnut I learned a long time ago in therapy–that depression is anger turned inward.
Right now, you’re angry at everyone due to the betrayal of your attacker, the system, your friends, your therapist, your prosecutor. Sometimes it feels impossible to be so enraged at some many people at once–SO much, in fact, that we think that something must be wrong with US. The truth, though, is that sometimes it’s true that multiple injustices are happening to us at the same time.
I fully believe that when you get in touch with your rage and start expressing your anger in healthy ways, you will begin to feel empowered and the depression will lift. Get out there and start swingin’!
I agree with Annette that this will be one of the most important experiences of your life–and one fraught will incredible opportunties for growth.
Mary Ann
I’ve been feeling so suicidal lately…even though people say I shouldn’t. I’m the “perfect student” getting good grades, going to a good university, intelligent, and seemingly normal in appearance. But inside it feels like I’m slowly dying.
I have Bipolar Disorder and suffer greatly with my mood swings. I cycle every few minutes and its getting to the point where I can’t even focus on my life goals anymore.
I try to talk to my parents but their going through a divorce and wrapped up in their own affairs. My dad hates me, he tried to kill me before I was even born. My mother loves me but she dumps many of her problems onto me. My sister hates me because I “outshine” her. I’m not accepted in university life because I don’t communicate. I’m not girlfriend material because I can’t open up enough to let someone truly in.
I’m at the end of my rope. I just want to finish up my BS in Computer Science…but I can’t! I can’t even sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t talk. I’m just drowning in what seems like a cacophony of pain, anger, and sorrow. And jumping out the highest ledge of my apartment building has become my fixation. Its like a siren song…and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to resist.
Dear Wings,
From the loneliness and pain you describe, no wonder you feel suicidal. Yet despite everything going on for you, I believe you’ve shown tremendous courage by getting up each morning and facing another day despite the intense and unrelenting pain, anger, and sorrow.
It sounds like on the outside you maintain an air of perfection and an attitude of “everything is fine.” You go to school, get good grades, and keep up your normal appearance. But on the inside you feel like you are slowly dying. It must be very painful, energetically draining, and lonely to walk through the world with such an imbalance between your outward persona and your inward feelings.
There’s nothing wrong with your coping strategy. It’s gotten you through life this far, and so congratulations. But perhaps you have reached a point in your life where being so inwardly and outwardly opposite no longer works. Have you considered that your escalating depression symptoms may be your spirit’s attempt to reorganize your life? Yet as with all reorganizations, something must crumble and fall before the rebuilding can begin.
The crumbling process is painful beyond description and there is the real risk that you would choose suicide as a way of preventing yourself from having to feel so scared and alone. Please get whatever help you can to get through this immediate crisis. Call a hotline, talk to a counselor, tell your story to people who can listen compassionately without making matters worse for you. And if you’re drawn to it. please read my book Depression Freedom. It will give new meaning and perspective to your experience. If you want, I’ll send it you free of charge.
Even though you feel alone, you are never alone. The angels hold you now even as you weep. You may not feel love, but you are loved until the day you are able to fill up with your own love.
With compassion,
Annette
Thank you for the advice Dr. Annette. I have decided that after I finish my summer session, I will take the rest of this year off and do some traveling. I would like to spend some time in Oahu, Hawaii. Its very tranquil there and I find I can do a lot of rebuilding and soul searching when I’m at peace. I’ve signed up with a program that will allow me to harvest the crops and tend to farms in exchange for food and boarding. Hopefully working with the Earth and collecting my thoughts will help me come to terms with life and bipolar disorder. Thank you for taking the time to listen. I greatly appreciate it
Wings…
What a perfectly creative solution you have come up with to tend to your body, mind, and spirit as you rebuild from the inside out. Hawaii is so very peaceful and healing. I’ll be thinking of you working the earth, much like the spirit-peace filled monks.
If between now and then you need someone to listen, I am here…call, write, or leave a comment on our Divine Self! blog. Your words, your experience, and your wisdom offer much needed inspiration and hope for other awakening angels. With blessings and love as you continue on your most sacred journey. Annette
I guess I’m writing this to just get my voice out there and seek the advice of a professional.
Lately, I’ve been feeling very suicidal. I’ve had to deal with the death of my friend by suicide, my grandma, and two of my friends have recently commited suicide. My family doesn’t think much of me, more like “She’s just an annoying little kid.” I have little feelings for my dad, who watches unspeakable (hint) things on the computer. My mom is often busy, and she gets angry when I tell her about the way I feel. I’m an only child, and have friends who threaten suicide all the time. I’ve never acted on my thoughts of suicide, because I’m scared to die.
So it’s like, I feel suicidal, but don’t wanna act on it.
I try to find things to enjoy in life, even the little things, but it seems I’m running out of things.
Sorry if it seems I’m rambling here.
I want to tell all of this to a counselor, but I’m worried they’ll throw me into the loony bin, which is the last place I wanna be.
Thanks for reading, if you read of all this. And sorry for unloading so much.
Dear Marilyn,
I don’t know how old you are, but I can tell you are doing your best to handle a lot of family pain all on your own. You must feel so alone, with no one to talk to.
Your dad seems emotionally absent from your family, and your mom is most likely doing her best to deal with the family dysfunction by staying busy, attempting to keep her emotions under control, and trying to survive herself.
If things were different, your parents would be there for you in the way that you need them to be. But sometimes parents aren’t well equipped to handle life themselves. You are not an annoying little kid; what is more likely is that your parents don’t know how to deal with their own painful feelings, and are too overwhelmed to know how to help you. Perhaps they are immersed in their own issues of life and survival and they don’t even know how difficult your emotions are for you.
There are so many people in the world who felt alone, unseen, misunderstood, and suicidal in childhood, including me. Suicide seems like an answer, because it seems to offer a way out of an unbearable situation. But inside you know that you came to this Earth because you choose to be here. Your life is important. You are a special angel and you carry much love within you. I can tell by your words just how much love you carry. Even though you are in such deep pain right now, I hope and pray that you look to that love within to keep yourself alive. I hope you choose to grow up, move beyond the pain within you, and find your way within the world. It’s so important that you stay here to bring the light and love that you are into an often dark world.
Please hang in there. Find people you trust to talk to. If it doesn’t seem safe for you to talk with a counselor, consider a trusted friend or religious person. Or call a suicide help line. Suicide hotlines have people who are trained to listen without any negative consequences for you. On your computer, just type in suicide hotline and a list of free 800 numbers will pop up. These people are trained to listen, and it really does help to talk when you think you can’t go on. Also, go to your local library and read some books written by people who were once in similar situations to yours. Use their stories of survival and love to keep yourself going.
I promise if you stay alive, you will have the opportunity to create a better life for yourself; a life that filled with safety, laughter, compassion, love, and the abundance of everything that lives in your heart. But you have to stay alive in order to one day create your own heaven on earth.
I am sending waves of love and hope your way. I’m asking your angels to speak to you in a way that you can hear them. And I’m letting you know that are alive for a reason.
I love you.
Annette
Marilyn,
My name is Katie, and I’m probably a lot older than you are, but I remember my very unhappy childhood and how hard it was to get through each day sometimes. But I made it, and so will you. You see, our parents have problems that have nothing to do with us. There is a reason that all of us were born, but sometimes it takes a while to figure out our purpose on this earth. I didn’t fully figure out until I was well into my 30’s, and I sure was glad that I was there to find out what it was!
I feel that you are much stronger than you think. Of course you’re giving thoughts to suicide because it has already touched your life because of your grandma and friends. But don’t let those thoughts scare you…they’re just thoughts. You reached out to Annette because you are hurting and that’s a strength right there.
Keep trying to find out what your purpose in life is, honey, and know that you’re supposed to be here. Maybe you will find out your purpose earlier than I did. Find out what you love to do and concentrate on that. That way you will build up your self esteem and give yourself some pats on the back, where you feel that your parents aren’t able to give you the attention that you need and want.
I’m sending up my prayers for you to stay strong, Marilyn.
Marilyn,
Believe it or not, I see so much light and love in your words. I also hear a lot of self love just under the surface of your pain. In the midst of everything, you are getting up each day and finding something, even if it is small, that you can enjoy. That takes an incredible amount of courage and strength! Every tiny step we take towards feeling better is a wonderful step.
I have experienced the desire to commit suicide more times in my life than I can count. My father committed suicide. I was an extremely sensitive child and my mom was never one to really listen to my feelings. When we are deep in our pain, it can sometimes feel like it will never get better. But it does. It honestly does. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes you get up in the morning and it doesn’t feel different than the day before. But it IS a different day. A new day. A day that you get to choose how you want to live. A new day that brings you one day closer to the life you want to live. All the great experiences and dreams that you get to create as you grow up are just waiting for you to make them real. And you have all the love and light you need right there inside you right now to create any kind of life you want as you grow older.
You mentioned that you didn’t want to tell these feelings to a counselor because you’re afraid they’ll put you in the hospital. Well, I’ve been in the hospital and it’s ok to be there. Sometimes, when we need a safe place to be ourselves, it’s the best place to be. Please talk to anyone you think might be able to help, even if it is scary. Let them know how you really feel. It’s the only way they can help. Let them help you. Keep talking to whoever will listen. Let people know how you’re doing.
You are here and experiencing this for a very special reason. Your beautiful heart light is shining even through your pain. Listen to that heart light and watch it grow stronger. You are loved and you ARE love….
Dear Marilyn,
Be a light into yourself. When all else is dark you have the strength and power of love and purpose within you. I am in my 30’s now but grew up an only child with 2 alcoholic parents, one of which was murdered when I was 12 on my Indian reservation. Sometimes you got to get help and love from places other than your parents. But start with yourself, love yourself, be true to yourself, honor yourself.
Sometimes fear of a thing is worse than the actual thing that scares you. Parents are sometimes working out their own issues here, its not fair i know but take solace that you recognize that things arent right, you are AWARE where others may not be. Awareness alone can give you a foothold on life, follow it, trust yourself, move with it, be a light unto yourself and join with other like minded souls. You arent alone in your pain. I feel for you.
When i was a little kid witnessing domestic violence etc i would try and imagine i had this force field of light around me (i loved starwars apparently) …anyway it worked. Try and find what works for you and build on that. Im sending you love and light and perseverence and strength, remember a good sense of humour goes a long way, laughter truly is medicine. Your thoughts are powerful, they are precursors to your reality as you see it, perspective is everything. You have a purpose here, be kind to yourself in the meantime.
The light of God surrounds you, the Love of God enfolds you, the Power of God protects you and the Prescence of God watches over you, wherever you go – God is, and all is well…praise God (as you understand him/her). Dont give up Marilyn, life has a way of opening up as your life unfolds.
Love and Light to you Marilyn – Love and Light
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Although I cannot even recall how I ended up on this page in cyberspace many many hours ago, I can honestly say, for the first time ever in my life, I feel as though I was here reading these words, and have found this page at this specific time for a reason.
The past week has had many new challenges, to add to my already heaping mound, and the only thing I could come up with to try and keep my mind busy was to just read online. I would like to send out a very heart felt THANK YOU. If I would not have read these understanding words, and seen for myself that, yes, I may be very screwed up in the head, but there are others out there who struggle with the same issues I do, I can honestly say, I was not confidant that I had the energy and the will power to make it through the night.
Like so many others, I have struggled for many years with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts. My family tree is littered with addiction and mental health problems. I have many major health issues, and the biggest one is so rare, I end up being a side show to any new medical professional that I happen to come in contact with. I suffer from severe chronic pain, to put it mildly, and although it is very high risk for both myself and my doctors, I have been on massive amounts of opium painkillers for 10 years now. I was never introduced to any sort of religion, or higher power, until I started reading up on the types and histories when I was in middle school, so I never had anything like that to cling to or believe in early on. I can remember being so young and knowing that it was unfair that I was put into the situation that I ended up in.
With all of that being said, I have always understood that I am the poster child for those ‘hopeless cases’. I will always have things hit me harder than others because of my background. Instead of using these circumstances as a crutch, I always tried to rise above, and prove everyone wrong. (which by the way I was horrible at!) I had my first serious suicide attempt at 12, and although I went more than a decade where that thought never crossed my mind, slowly, but surely, all of the darkness and despair started building up inside of me.
About a year and a half ago (I was 28 by then) I had run out of reasons to even try to make it to the next day. I had nearly full bottles of all of my pain medications, along with a bathroom full of drugs from years of always trying out something new to see if they could help. I chewed and swallowed everything in sight, hundreds of pills, the majority of them narcotic pain pills, some of them I was even allergic to, and the next thing I knew, to my dismay, I was alive, it was 2 days later, and I was in a park on the other side of town. I’m not sure if anyone has had this experience, but if you think you feel so empty and worthless you want to kill yourself, can anyone begin to imagine how irate and disgusted and lonely you feel when you cannot even do that right? And just when I thought I had gotten over whatever it was that had drained my life of all meaning, pleasure and joy, and there was a light on the other side, here I am more than a year later, right back where I started. Some days, all I have the energy for is to force myself to repeat over and over again the words ‘I want to fight’ ‘I want to live’ even though most of the time I don’t truly mean it.
I am so sorry that I have rambled on and on, and again, I am very thankful for coming across this page and even more thankful that I came to the ‘leave a comment’ section as it compelled me to try and admit things to myself, and even get out all of these thoughts that keep swimming around in my head. I completely understand if anyone removes this the second it is posted, and if it is not removed, please do not feel obligated to respond in any way. I think just me knowing I have finally given an outlet to these issues and thoughts is really more than what I could have hoped for, and if it is forever lost in cyberspace, even better. I was able to force myself to type out things through hours of tears and know that I have made it through one more day, that seemed impossible just a few hours ago.
I believe everything happens for a reason and my stumbling upon this website was no accident… I am struggling each day not to take my life. I’m 51, female, going through menopause, divorced mom of one son, unemployed, very morbidly obese, diagnosed as bipolar with no meds for the last 5 months (but I think I’m an HSP/Highly Sensitive Person) and I would be homeless without the compassion of my son who is in college and looked to me for support. I grew up in a high conflict household with parents who were clueless about how to emotionally scaffold their 3 children. My father is still an abusive manipulative bully, my mother (deceased) and I were able to salvage a wonderful relationship after the birth of my son who I vowed to keep away from her and the family unless we healed our relationship. I am the middle child (older sister who physically abused me and still continues to emotionally abuse me and a younger brother who has always treated me with indifference.) I am estranged from all biological relatives except for one maternal cousin. With this maladaptive childhood I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another until I changed my entire life. (Divorced and relocated, re-entry student and graduated with honors) relocated after graduation for new job, lost 110lbs, had a new healthy relationship, finally felt like I had gotten over the “poor hardwiring” then had an allergic reaction to an over the counter medication that nearly took my life, scarred my skin permanently and forced me into complete isolation causing me to be on medical disability for over a year and still has me struggling to recover to this date. After only returning to work a couple of months (I vowed to go back to my old neighborhood and make a difference and did…) I got laid off. The dismantling of my old life is now complete. Because of the huge amounts of steroids and due to the depression I gained back all the weight I’d lost and more… now, no one will hire me. During my illness I was abandoned by a childhood friend (40 years) who was my sister by choice and the man I was dating, and any self-worth I had built up is gone. I feel invisible, unlovable, not worthy, and lost in the depths of shame. I used to be very social but now I spend my time inside my room because when I go out people are cruel. If not for my son and not wanting to leave him a legacy of suicide I would have taken my life some time ago… but, now “the voice” tells me he’d be better off without me burdening him too even though he loves me unconditionally… I do have the love and support of a few very good friends, but I fear I’ve worn them down as well and no longer talk to them about what’s really going on… everyone believes I will have another “comeback” but I’m exhausted, filled with rage, disillusioned, and overwhelmed. I just want peace…
Thank you Annette for creating a sacred place where I can speak my truth, no matter how sad…You are truly an “Earth Angel”. In reading the other entries I do know that I am not the only one experiencing these dark, intrusive thoughts… Please pray for me as I am praying for each of you.
Hi Annette, writing helped me IMMENSELY when I was going through what I was going through (sorry to sound redundant) I must have written in a notebook every day during that time. I remember having at least five or six pages. I’d read it back to myself…and when I FINALLY came out of it, I tore the pages up! It was such a cathartic process! I’ve always kept a journal/diary, even as a little girl, but this was much, MUCH different…I do believe it was part of my life line!
I have suffered from depression for a long time. In the past, i have thoughts of suicide, but the past 2 days it has been overwhelming me. I made a mess for my family, financially and I am not a person you want to be around anymore. The thought of not providing for them is overtaking my fear of losing them. I want the pain to go away.
Hello Joe,
I am so sorry that your depression has lasted such a long time, and that the past two days have been especially difficult. My heart is open for you. Even though it seems as if you are alone, the angels around you are loving you, holding you, being with you and doing their best to comfort you. I know you want the pain to go away. It’s such a difficult experience.
If you are able, listen to that quiet knowingness within you… that inner wisdom that tells you to go outside, to breathe, to be alone and when not to be alone. That knowingness is always there with you—it is your higher self offering the gentle guidance that can get you through this depression.
Thank you for writing and sharing your presence with us on our Divine Self blog. You are always welcome here and I will do my best to always respond either in an email or directly on the blog.
I too, like so many on this site am suffering with depression,trying to distract myself by surfing the internet I landed here. Somehow this has been comforting in a way to see so many people in the same boat when I am feeling so alone and isolated .My mom tried to commit suicide, and her father did commit suicide……..I am trying not to go there ……..at least for tonight.
Someone described depression being anger turned inward……..not good when you can no longer find any kindness or compassion towards yourself. I no longer have a job & each day is like climbing a huge & scary mountain.I call my sister at least once to 6 times a day.
My other friends don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Thank-you so much for providing this site it is a blessing and a comfort.
Love,Amanda
Dear Amanda,
You express yourself very sincerely and I especially love what you say about not being able to find any kindness or compassion towards yourself.
First of all, you must forgive yourself for even thinking these thoughts……we All have them at one time or another.
I will listen to what you have to say whenever you want and will reply. Maybe we can become good friends.
Please respond.
Pink hugs, Kathleen
Dear Kathleen,
Thank-you for your Pink hugs!!!!!!!
Part of my struggle is that in order to manage my depression/anxiety I am on Zoloft and a mild dose of Xanax.
I don’t think these drugs are really what I need,but for the short term they are keeping me functional.
Thanks for responding.
Love,Amanda
This sounds nuts, but if all someone wants to do is talk about their suicidal thoughts, they shouldn’t call a hotline. Don’t tell your MD, either. I once tried sharing my suicidal thoughts with my general practitioner and he was referring me to the local emergency room within five minutes. I didn’t need to go to the ER, but they wouldn’t listen to me. To them suicidal thoughts=immediate danger=needs hospitalization NOW. Even if all you need is someone to listen to you. It’s rather sad, actually.
It takes a person to go to the edge of suicide to
realize, once and for all, that no one gives a damn.
People prefer to give you pills and stick you in endless hours of useless therapy before REALLY listening.
Been there, done that.
Only my willpower keeps me in this wasted life up to this point.
Not sure which Hell is worst.
This one or the one that follows after killing yourself.
These will be my final words.
OK, you win.
I’m stupid, unattractive and basically useless.
Ignore me, mock me and put me down.
If i didn’t deserve being treated like garbage,
i wouldn’t be treated this way.
T–You sound angry, and that’s good. Get even angrier at those treating you like garbage. You say you wouldn’t be treated like garbage unless you deserved it. Why not think of it this way: you’re being treated like garbage because you allow it. Direct your anger where it belongs, NOT against yourself. You may feel like taking your life would be a way of getting even, but are these people worth that much? Please reconsider.
The edge is a scary place to be.At that edge we notice clearly that this is our life and while others may be with us or not with us, that ultimately we are alone. Others can emphathize with the situation, but only you can intimately know the feelings and experiences that you are having.
While standing at the edge, I know that many of us–including many of us that you may never know– are loving you and standing with you in spirit and with love.
You belong here in life just as much as anyone. We hope that you come to the same conclusion. With much respect, Annette
i live a fairly happy life, but even know many people would want my life. i have always thought i would die by the time im 20, i have used the thought of suicide to help me handle the issues that i challenge, i use to think about it only on bad days, but now its almost everyday, whenever i feel stressed the only stress reliever is that i can end it whenever i want…. i happen to be a very good looking athletic guy with a ok job, but im not going to school cuz the thought of going to school for 4 years seems impossible for me and i go to work everyday thinking im not doing anything with my life,. i also have such a fear of failing that i would have already killed myself if i didnt think i would be considered a failure , it doesnt sound that bad but i just keep going back to ” im just ganna do it” instead of feeling any sorrow and sadness, i talk things out with friends but at this point im conscious, collective and calm and feel suicide is a good option
I’m a mother of a 5yr old. I have suicidal thoughts cuz of my sons father. He can’t just understand that da love we had is gone. And he wont leave me alone. I just wish I can b dead so I wont have to deal wit his drama. I cany take it nomore. I can’t even just have time for myself cuz he starts blowin up my phone n talkin out of his mind. N I hate havin these thought cuz I kno my son needs me but its just so hard tryin to b civilized person towards my babydaddy n he just verbily abuses me. I need help. For me n my son. Cuz he’s been tru so much cuz of his father always causin kaoz in front of him. Please help me
I do have a life and I am not “retarded”.
Nothing seems worth living for. Apathy can hardly get worse. Dullness and darkness consumes me, along with constant alchohol cravings. The best things of life are not appealing in the slightest bit. Why? Why? Why? Mind is racing, screaming, dull, thoughtless, hateful, confused, unmotivated, irrational, drastic, numb, imbalanced.
Though, there is hope amongst the madness
Any feedback please?
Hello Tyler,
In it’s own way, the expression of your experience is creative and beautiful. Your words are poetic, filled with passion and meaning, and a cry of your current truth.
Like many people reading your painful words, I wish I could make this better for you. What I can do is let you know that I hear you, I feel you, and I see how much pain and confusion you are in. I also see how much beauty and value there is to the essence of who you are, even when you are in this much pain.
You are loved and you are valuable even while living in the darkness. There is hope. Always.
Tyler, your depression is telling you that nothing interests you. Don’t listen. Make yourself go out into the land of the living outside your home, and talk to someone..a counselor, Dr, minister, friend…about your feelings. I’ve had to kick myself in the butt many MANY times and then I always feel better. Don’t be angry or mad at yourself for feeling this way….just keep working on getting out of the funk.
This is only temporary…it always is!!
I’ve been battling suicidal thoughts and have absolutely no idea why. There is still part of my brain that is working rationally and knows that my life really isn’t that bad. I mean, of course I’ve made many mistakes but I do have things to live for. I have a teenage daughter who would be completely traumatized if I died. I also have a mom and a few close friends who are willing to help me. I’m only in my 30’s so I know I still have much to live for. I’m in good health. I try to do things to fight these feelings (going for a walk works wonders for some reason) but they will NOT go completely away!!! Some days are better than others but the thoughts of just “ending it all” keep coming back. Is this something that will haunt me the rest of my life? It sucks to have these thoughts and even though I’m pretty sure I won’t do it I can’t get the thoughts to go away.
It just makes me feel even crazier when I read these stories about people who are suicidal who also think their lives suck. I know my life doesn’t suck but still have the thoughts. Am I insane???
Hello Michelle…
It’s even more difficult to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts when life has been overall good. Strange isn’t it?
We’ve all made choices that upon reflection we realize that they were not perhaps the easiest or best choices we could have made for ourselves, but it sounds as if you’ve come to forgive yourself for those choices. You’ve got a beautiful teenage daughter, a mom, and close friends who are all on your side. With all this going on…why are you depressed? Even more to the point, why are you thinking suicidal thoughts?
Life is complicated and filled with many layers, so the answers aren’t always easily apparent. I could offer a few suggestions for you to try on and see if any of these seem to fit…
It could be that you are more closely connected to your spirit side and because you feel or sense so much of the other side, that you long for your spirit or greatly miss the “other” realms.
Or it could be that you are in a place of life where old beliefs and habits are ready to be shed, but sometimes the idea of dying seems perhaps easier than the idea of moving through such a great change.
Perhaps another idea to try on for size is that you are in a place of evolution where you must consciously choose for yourself whether you wish to remain here on Earth. Maybe you have already accomplished your soul desire, and now must reevaluate whether to stay or go “back home”. With everything that you feel and sense, and the heaviness of this life, would you choose for yourself to live. Imagine the self-love involved in that conscious choice! Would you stay not because you have to by default remain here, not because your family or friends need you, not because you are supposed to stay living, not because you will go to some place of damnation if your end your life…but to choose YOUR life soley because you decide that remaining in life is important to you.
I don’t know if any of those suggestions resonate for you. But I can say with absolute certainty that what you are experiencing is real, is valid, and has deep meaning for the evolution of Michelle. I also know with absolute certainty that being outside in nature is one of the most healing things you can be doing right now. It may not seem helpful from the place you are standing in right now, but when you look back on this time in your life you will see that going for walks was probably one of the things that mattered the most.
I would bet everything that you are not insane. I have written a book entitled Depression Freedom that you might be interested in reading. If you are interested check it out on my website. If you like what you see but somehow can’t afford it, write me and I’ll send you a copy. Or stay on this blog and keep writing. Lot so people read what you have to say, benefit from your words, and often people respond.
Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences with us. Your words are important to us all.