When someone we know or care about is depressed, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. Unless you’ve experienced a similar type of depression, it may be hard to relate to their situation. In addition, we’re often uneasy to be in the presence of intense pain.
Should you try to lighten the mood somehow, pretend things aren’t so bad for them, or provide advice? Probably not. The best things you can do as a friend is avoid making light of their experience, let go of trying to rescue them, and don’t offer advice. Instead, just show them you care. Being present to their humanity, even while they suffer, demonstrates that they are worthy of your attention.
A depressed person may often want to be alone, but they don’t necessarily want to be alone all of the time. Showing up, being present, and listening can let them know they haven’t been abandoned. You probably won’t be able to help the depressed person feel much better, but your caring attitude and a few heartfelt words of sincere acceptance can often help make their experience easier to handle.
Sometimes not knowing what to do or say keeps us from offering support. Here are a few things to say to help someone through the depression process.
- Offer reassurance by saying, “I know you don’t want to be feeling so miserable, but it’s okay in my eyes that you are feeling this way.”
- I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but I can tell this is painful for you.
- You may not feel like eating, but just in case, I bought a few groceries and cooked a few meals for you. I’ll put the food in the fridge if you want it later.
- It’s good to see you. Do you want a hug?
- I can tell you barely have enough energy to cope with the pain you are feeling. Do you mind if I take care of a few things for you? I’d like to change your kitty litter box and vacuum up some of their mess. I know you would do the same for me.
- I don’t need to be entertained. I’d like to just sit with you for awhile and read a book or watch television if that’s okay?
- I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.
- I brought you a sweater and some walking shoes. Care to come with me on a short walk into the woods. I’d like to share this great secluded spot by the creek where we can just sit for a little while.
- I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care.
- Would you like to go to a movie with me? I found three movies that might help take your mind off things for a little while.
When you’re in doubt about what to say, think back to difficult times in your life. Remember what you most wanted from people, what was helpful, and what you wished them to do or say. Use your own experiences as a guide, trust your intuition, and just be a loving presence. Some things, like depression, can’t be “fixed,” but your love, light, and few kind words can ease your friend’s pain.
If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent advice in this post. When I’m feeling terrible (and, man, have I been there) I don’t want some sort of canned response. In fact, I didn’t know exactly what I’d want — until I read this post. If I were depressed, I would think all of these would be great to hear. Great, great post!
Positively Present´s last blog ..want to be happier? stop avoiding unhappiness
Hi Dani,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s so easy to get angry at others when they say the wrong thing in an attempt to be “helpful.” But as you’ve noticed, often we don’t go inward to discover what would be helpful. If can’t readily determine what would be most helpful, imagine how difficult it is for them!
Thanks again for sharing your love!
Annette
P.S. For anyone who hasn’t checked out Dani’s blog, it’s called Positively Present http://positivelypresent.typepad.com. Her thought provoking, genuine articles are writtern from her experience as she focuses on making evvery day a “living happinlly ever after” day.
Annette,
Having suffered severely with depression several months ago due to a personal loss in my life, I find incredible insight in your advice. Knowing what to say to someone is one of the most difficult things to do; my wife can attest to that. As you noted, sometimes nothing needs to be said; the presence of someone who loves and supports you unconditionally is supportive in its own way. One thing I have tried to do is to keep handy a portion of a journal entry I wrote last year after emerging from a particularly low point in my life: “I must always remember that even in the darkest days of my life, the sunshine will always return.” The ups and downs are never static and permanent, but come and go as we pass milestones in life’s journey. And for me, sometimes it takes passing through a valley for me to better appreciate the mountaintops.
Thanks again for your excellent insight.
Jim
Dear Jim,
It is painful to lose someone dear. In the depth of your pain there is beauty, for you dared to love unconditionally. Your heart may hurt, your wounds may take time to heal, and yet your friend lives forever within you. Your friend was very lucky to have shared this bond in life with you. And I am grateful to know someone such as you, a dear human soul who despite the risk of pain is willing to feel, to love, and to experience life.
I know what you mean when you talk about that feeling of hopelessness and grieving. Depression is by it’s nature a fully encompassing one-sided view of life. It’s an important process, although excruiating to live through. Internally, there isn’t a sense of things ever changing, or “this too shall pass.” There’s only the envelopement of sadness and pain.
Your idea of keeping a journal entry readily available is an excellent self-caring approach to getting through the journey. It’s something you can tangibly hold onto, and look at in the darkest moments that reminds you life wasn’t always this unbearably painful, and that perhaps the sun will shine once again.
An intuitive self-supporting action, such as your approach of keeping a journal entry within reach doesn’t seem like much in the face of depression, and it doesn’t really make you feel better. But those types of self-caring actions do keep the process of healing moving forward.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I, for one, am grateful that you found your way through a dark valley. Your presence in life shines brightly. Having gone through that depression, you are changed forever. You are consciously aware of new truths that were not available to you before the depression.
Depression is difficult beyond words. The best we can do for humanity is to find our own way through the journey, and share the love we have uncovered with those who are still struggling within the darkness.
With love,
Annette
Even on the darkest days, we should always keep in mind that the sun is shining above the clouds. Excellent article, Annette.
Thank you to both you and Jim for sharing your words of wisdom.
Love, Kathleen
Albert Schweitzer said, “Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.” Thank you Kathleen for always sharing your positive spirit.