When things go wrong in life some people rise to the occasion with expectant spirits while others respond with self-doubt and hopelessness. The first group is optimistic and can generally withstand their challenges without falling apart. They will keep trying new solutions until they succeed. The second group has a tendency to descend into a spiral of gloom and doom when facing a challenge. The optimists are in the habit of thinking, “I can handle this,” when things go wrong. The “doom and gloomers” tend to think, “This is more than I can tolerate.”
Hopeless Thoughts
When things go wrong, more pessimistic personalities tend to have hopeless thoughts. They tell themselves:
- This is too much.
- It is overwhelming.
- This is out of control.
- I will never get it right.
- I cannot stand it.
- I cannot bear this.
- This will never change.
All or Nothing
For example, some people struggling to overcome eating issues view their challenges and setbacks as evidence that they will never succeed. They create overly intense states, feeling their experience is too much to handle, too overwhelming, or out of control. They may also criticize themselves for having to face this challenge, attacking themselves with judgment and blame. The challenge is viewed as an internal weakness that is inescapable. If they overeat they tend to say, “Since I’ve already screwed up, all is lost. I’m a loser. It’s hopeless, so I might as well indulge myself.” The setback is more proof that they can never have what they want. In addition, the setback overshadows, or even seemingly undoes, any forward movement they have had.
Optimism Can Be Learned
We may not all be lucky enough to have been born eternal optimists. However, even the person who is easily overwhelmed can learn how to switch their focus to positive expectations.
It will probably require practice, but it all starts by making a decision to speak to yourself in a supportive manner, especially when you need it most. The next time your voice of doom and gloom tries to bully you into submission, surprise it by standing up. Gather your courage and decide not to collapse. Then take a deep conscious breath and feel into yourself to gain a sense of what you could do or say to provide yourself comfort and encouragement.
For instance, you might consider saying, “Things didn’t go well today, but that’s just what happens sometimes. I wish I already had the complete outcome of what I want, but truthfully, creating success is a journey that takes as long as it takes. Even though I can’t see the solution in this moment, somehow I will get through this situation. As long as I don’t give up, I will give myself the benefit of the doubt that I will have the full and complete result of what I wanted.”
Allowing yourself permission to become more optimistic opens up new possibilities. Instead of feeling stressed and anxious, you begin to relax. You see that a more positive future is possible. Lifting out of overwhelm allows you to begin to wonder how you can move through this problem.
The next time you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless, decide to give yourself a break. Accept that things don’t always go as planned, but you can still expect good things to happen in your life!
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
What a great post on thinking positively! I, of course, LOVED this one. Thanks!!
Positively Present´s last blog ..the difference between happy and not unhappy
Hi Dani! Thanks again for stopping by and leaving us with your absolutely contagious joy of life!!
Dear Annette,
I found this article on optimism inspiring; it spoke to my heart in so many ways. You described my “voice of gloom and doom” to the tee. It has controlled my life and my actions for most of my life. Only when I opened myself to the possibility there was a better way to live did I actually understand what living could become.
In my own journal, I describe my descent into negative thought patterns in a similar manner as you have … a downward spiral that feeds on itself, my “vortex of negative thinking.” The binge eating, the hopeless thoughts, the guilt, it can feel incredibly overwhelming, leaving us feeling powerless to change our destiny.
For several months I have been struggling to overcome the guilt of having hurt some people whom I love; the pain I inflicted was real, even if unintentional. Knowing my actions justified their reactions has made it very difficult to find optimism in my life. I have made amends, but continue to struggle to find a way to see myself with a postive outlook … the descent into that hopelessness has been my most common reaction; it’s comfortable and familiar, so I retreat to it automatically.
Thank you for a great article; I will use it to challenge myself when my guilt returns and work to allow myself a chance to believe I can again find happiness and perhaps my own forgiveness in my journey.
Jim B. from Facebook
Dear Jim,
The emotion of guilt is just horrible. I know I’ve dealt with my fair share and I can relate to what you are saying.
At this point in your journey, it feels essential that you find a way to feel your guilt and stop being afraid of it. Right now, it’s more of an excuse that holds you back and keeps you living in a familiar level of consciousness. But, you are ready to move onward. It’s your time.
That means accepting that you are human, accepting that you have learned much from your experiences—even the ones your mind labels as “bad”, and accepting that because of those very experiences and hard won wisdom, you are now growing and evolving.
One of the strangest things I have found in my own life and in just about every one of my clients is how difficult it is to allow ourselves to have more joy, more happiness, more freedom, and more abundance then we are used to. It’s almost impossible to let go, say goodbye, and take that next step into being a more fulfilled human being. We think that somehow it is wrong to release guilt, or shame, or self-abuse, and be more self-loving, life-loving then we were before.
What helped me step into a higher level of conscious was a quote by Gandhi that stated, “Whatever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it.” Jim, it is most important that you move beyond your guilt.
The next time your guilt shows up, take a breath, face guilt and feel what you feel. Do you feel a tightening in the pit of your gut? A restriction in your chest? A painful clutching in your solar plexus? A queasiness? An uneasiness? These body sensations indicate where you hold the feelings of guilt. As you continue to breath, these stuck feelings can begin to release themselves and flow. Rather than pushing everything back down, ask your body to show you how it would like to breathe and allow those uncomfortable guilty feelings to rise out of your body and into your awareness.
As guilt begins its ascent up and out of your body, be aware of what you are experiencing. What are your emotions, what are thinking, and what do you believe about this entire situation. By learning how to be a witness to your experience, you gain wisdom without getting stuck inside of those thoughts and beliefs. Be curious about what’s going on inside of you and notice everything you can about your particular guilt. For example you may notice:
How is guilt supposed to help me?
Why do I feel guilty in this situation?
What do I hope to accomplish by feeling guilty?
Does feeling guilt help me accomplish what I want?
What do I gain by feeling guilty?
What does guilt cost me?
How does guilt hold me back?
In other words, feel into your guilt and explore the experience of your guilt as much as possible.
Only by facing your feelings head on do you discover that those feelings and beliefs cannot hold rule over you any longer. Let yourself be human. Take another step to love yourself even though you are not perfect. Your descent into hopelessness is an old strategy, one that you no longer have to choose.
We’re cheering for you to be the model, the example of a human being who has dared to give himself freedom. One who is willing to let go of the pain. One who is willing to rise to a new level of joy and happiness. We’re cheering for you, but only you can set yourself free.
The other day, someone told me to “throw it to the universe”, when I was anxious about a situation which is beyond my control. Now, she is definitely an optimistic person and so nice to have around.
I have noticed lately that I pick up negative energy from pessimistic people…….maybe I always did? However, I’m now in tune with myself more than I have ever been and it feels great!
If one refuses to let others bring them down, then I think that is half the battle. We all have our problems, but we don’t have to inflict them on others and vice versa.
Thank you, Annette, for another wonderful post.
Love, Kathleen
Hi Dr. Annnette!
I’m so glad I stumbled upon this post, I love it!
It is so true, when faced with disappointment, some people tend to view the glass as half empty. However, those who view the glass as half full tend to take despair, stair it in the face and use it to our advantage. We’ll say things like, “well, I may not have got the job, but everything happens for a reason. Every time one door closes another opens.”
It’s mind-sets like this, that are life changing.
Great article, thanks for sharing!!
Hi Jarrod,
Wealthy are those such as yourself who carry a glass half-full perspective!! There is so much inspiration that is shared into the world when one optimistic person can shed light on the opportunities and potentials that still exist. Enjoy your Optimistic Journey and thank for stopping by.