Depression is by its very nature a time to withdraw and move through a process. However, it’s so easy to move beyond the natural withdrawal tendency into isolation. The intense feelings of overwhelm and the heavy burden of depression leaves us assured that no one could possibly want to be around us during this experience. This belief firms up as we notice that friends and family will spend time with us when we are feeling “up,” but those same people seem to avoid us completely when we are feeling especially “down.”
I believe that family and friends seemingly abandon us during our darkest hours for many reasons. One of the reasons is that despite the extreme loneliness we feel, we are also driven by an inner spiritual desire to be alone and work through the dark moments of our depression process. We need this solitary time to find our own way, to heal in nature and to move through the process by giving creative expression to our feelings in outlets such as journal writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, crying, walking, or other forms of emotional healing.
Despite our need for withdrawal and alone time, there are times when we absolutely need to be with family or friends who can sit with us, comfort us, and share their non-depressed energy with us. Usually we look for that type of company when we are at an especially low place in our depression. As we look for this type of compassionate support, we might notice there isn’t anyone to call on. Where have they gone? Is there anything we can do to not be so alone?
Below is a list of possible reasons that our family and close friends are nowhere to be found when we need them most. When you can understand why they have disappeared during your darkest hours, you empower yourself to help friends, loved ones, and yourself develop a newly revised relationship with you while you are depressed.
Not Understanding Depression and Unable to Connect
One reason people leave us alone during depression is that they don’t understand the depression process. They knew you before when you were easy going and not depressed. Now, they are unable to comprehend the changes that have occurred with you and their relationship with you. As you are in the grasp such an intense darkness, they don’t have that much in common with you—or you with them. They are not going through the same experience, and you don’t connect like you once did. When the depression doesn’t lift within a “reasonable” amount of time, they may back off feeling quite lost and rejected themselves.
ACTION PLAN:
It’s tough to explain depression to other people, because most likely you don’t understand why you are depressed either. But it’s important to be honest with the friends and family that you trust and love. Explain to them how you are feeling and the importance of sometimes needing your distance and sometimes needing to be around them.
Saying the Wrong Thing
The people who love you don’t want to see you hurting. In their best efforts to help you end depression they may criticize, judge, analyze, or offer unsolicited advice. None of this is actually helpful, and generally only serves to make you feel worse. It seems better to be alone than to have to deal with hurtful statements. You end up pushing people away when they offer statements that only make you feel worse.
ACTION PLAN:
Let people know when their comments are not helpful. Although you have limited energy and initiative right now, go the extra mile and tell people what would be helpful. If you’re crying, let them know it’s okay that they don’t know what to do or say. You don’t know either. What you want is just someone who will sit with you with acceptance and presence.
Not Knowing What to Say
When you are depressed, your loved ones naturally want to help in any way they can. But when they don’t know what to say, it’s easy for them to feel uncomfortable and even paralyzed in their inability to search for and articulate the right words. They simply don’t know how to respond to the situation. This feeling is so uncomfortable, they may withdraw completely—not because they don’t love you when you are depressed, but because they truly are at a loss of knowing what to day.
ACTION PLAN:
Help those around you by giving them direct guidance. Let them know that when things are especially difficult, you need them to listen so that you can unburden some of the heavy energies of depression and ventilate your feelings. Tell them that although you wish they had the magic words to make this depression go away, you know there aren’t any. Let them know that what you really need is for them to sit with you, to let you cry and blubber and wail your woes. Tell them that it is okay to listen without needed to respond. Sometimes you just need to be heard, and sometimes you just need to sit with them in silence.
Not Knowing What to Do
People, especially those who love you, really do want to help you. They make offers of support, but because of the depression you typically end up turning away those offers. After a few rejections, those you love tend to back away. Then when you need them most, they aren’t anywhere to be found. You may interpret their distance as proof that you are unacceptable to be around.
ACTION PLAN:
Let people know that sometimes you really need to be alone. Explain that the mere thought of being around anyone is more taxing than you have the energy to deal with right now. However, it is also your responsibility to yourself to move beyond your inclination to do it all by yourself. Give your loved ones some chores to do. Let them wash your sheets while you just sit there on the couch. Let them change the litter in your cat’s litter box while you don’t lift a finger to help. Allow them to wash out your bath tub and fill it with warm steamy water. Allowing in the support of others—in ways that feel right and helpful to you—is healing. In addition, telling your loved ones exactly how they can help will ease your burden while at the same time allowing them an opportunity to be more compassionate towards your depression. When they are not always being pushed away, your loved ones will be much more likely to be there when you need them the most.
Feeling Useless
There’s a commercial that states, “Who does your depression hurt?” And in truth, your depression does hurt the people around you. Nothing makes a person feel more helpless than watching someone they love suffering. Your family and friends often feel lost and useless knowing you are in such pain. They may feel guilty not knowing what to do or how to help relieve your suffering. In addition, your dark mood may trigger their inner fears, doubts, and anxieties. As you face your own depression, notice your desire to escape your uncomfortable emotions. The same may be true for your friends and loved ones: not knowing how to cope, they may retreat in an effort to avoid feeling their own uncomfortable emotions.
ACTION PLAN:
Don’t let the commercial make you feel guilty about being depressed. You are depressed and all life experiences—including this one—has merit and importance. You probably won’t understand the importance of depression until long after it has lifted, but it is a meaningful life experience nonetheless. More importantly, you are meaningful and valuable even while you are experiencing depression. Take a few deep breaths and understand that naturally your depression affects the people around you. Then take responsibility by letting your friends and loved ones know that you realize they may be uncomfortable with your depression and / or their own emotions. If the shoes were reversed, you might not know what to do or say either. Then thank them for doing their best to help you through this journey.
Depression is a lonely experience. However, by taking action on the tips above, you can give yourself the space you need when you need it and the comfort from others when you need it.
If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
What a wonderful article! One of the most difficult things for me when I have dealt with depression is the sense of isolation, not only from others but even from myself. It seemed that I was sucked into a vortex of darkness and couldn’t even reach out to my own heart for love much less reach out to others. Friends would come by or call and I wouldn’t answer the door or the phone. My world became very, very small. It was all I could handle.
Admitting that I need help or accepting help when it is freely offered is difficult for me, even on a good day, so during periods of depression, it became nearly impossible. Thank you for providing some action steps that can be taken in those times of dark isolation. They provide a door or window that we can choose to open in those moments of our greatest need.
Dear Marsha,
Yes, the isolation that comes with depression can at times be engulfing. In that vortex of darkness there isn’t any love to be found… from ourselves or from others.
What I found is that the “help” we need when in that darkness isn’t anything our logical minds can define. Instead, it’s reaching out someone who is not depressed, just so we can be who we are while in the presence of another living, breathing, compassionate human being.
I understand that when it’s difficult to accept help on a good day, then it would be nearly impossible to do so when depressed. But maybe that’s a piece of what the depression is all about? Perhaps our depression brings us deep down into the vortex of darkness where no love exists, where we believe we are all alone, where we believe that no one understands us, or where we believe that no one can ever love us. Imagine if from within the darkness of those beliefs that we actually chose to reach out. Perhaps that would be the beginning of a new self-empowering belief about l life, about self, and about other people.
You are always loved even in those dark places where you cannot see the love that exists.
Depression does change our beliefs about so many things. Reaching out would create new self empowering beliefs. One new belief leads to another new belief which leads to another….
Actually, most people really don’t want to deal with our emotional baggage and drama. They have their own lives, and aren’t interested in our pity parties. When things are good and we’re able to get over ourselves, then people will be pateint. But nobody is anybody’s cry pillow, and if you’re depressed for a while, it shouldn’t be a surprise when no one calls. And they won’t be interested if you should get help either. You’re already too much for people to deal with.
I visit each day some sites and blogs to read articles or reviews, but this weblog presents quality based posts.