One of the most difficult things about being depressed is that no one—often friends included—has the right thing to say. The experience seems so much lonelier to bear when there’s no one to share the tougher times with. If you have a friend or family member who is depressed or is in need of some comforting, read below for good ways to talk effectively with this person, and equally important, what not to say.
What Not to Say
If you have a friend or family member who is depressed, they are probably going through an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes they may want to be around people and sometimes they may want to be left alone. It’s difficult to know exactly what to do or say because so often there really isn’t anything “right” to do or say. In addition, because of the heaviness of their depression, and our inability to “help” them through the situation, it’s easy to get frustrated, distant, or offer unsolicited advice. Knowing what not to say can be as important as knowing what to say. Below are a few tips on what not to say.
Don’t say, “It’s time to put on a smile and put this depression behind you. It’s not that bad and you need to get over it.”
Don’t say, “You need to take medication if you ever want to get better.” Antidepressants are one form of therapy but not the only form, and certainly not always the right choice for everyone. If your loved one doesn’t want to take antidepressants, let them know you trust in their ability to listen to their inner spirit and manage their life. Antidepressants are so widely prescribed as the principal treatment, that when a person chooses not to take them, they often feel ridiculed, unsupported, and abandoned.
Don’t turn your back on your depressed friend because you are uncomfortable with their depression. Be open with your feelings and let them know, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
Show love and encouragement. If it seems appropriate hug them, hold them, touch them. Ask them what you can do to help. Offer to feed them if they are hungry, scoop their cat litter, or run the bath for them if you feel they are open to that type of support. Actions often speak louder than words. Sometimes they may accept your help and sometimes they won’t. However, isolation is a common feeling for people who are depressed, so it’s important to make an effort to reach out.
Avoid criticizing, judging, analyzing, or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, agree with them when they cry and say the experience isn’t fair. Let them know this may not be fair, but it is the experience they are having. Let them know that you believe in your heart that they have the ability to make it through this.
Don’t interrupt your depressed friend when they start talking about depression. Pay attention, validate their pain and concerns, and let them know that you care about them even when they hurt.
Many people feel awkward around someone who is deeply depressed. In an effort to not make the situation worse, they choose to say nothing at all. Say something and let your friend know that you care. Be honest and tell them you don’t know the right thing to say, but also let them know it doesn’t matter as much as being with them.
Even if you have been depressed before, don’t say you know what they are going through. Depression is an individual experience, and it doesn’t help to make the conversation all about you. You can let them know that you’ve been in a similar situation and you’re willing to share your wisdom with them if they are ever interested. One day, when the time is right, they may take you up on your offer to share how you got through the journey.
Don’t try to coax your friend to share their feelings with you. A depressed person sometimes just needs to be around you, without talking. Reassure them that silence together is okay with you.
What To Say
When a friend or family member is depressed, you naturally want to help in any way you can. One of the best things you can do is respect their experience and show that you have faith in their ability to get through this difficult time. But when you don’t know what to say, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. You simply don’t know how to respond to the situation. Below are some tips that hope and help.
Acknowledge the situation. Say, “I’m sorry that you are in pain. I care for you and I love you no matter how much you hurt.”
Say, “I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.” If they do start to talk, learn how to listen without interrupting or attempting to fix things. Give the person space and opportunity to unburden some of the heavy energies of depression and ventilate their feelings. You don’t need to say much and there are no magic words. Your patience and acceptance are healing. It’s okay to listen without needed to respond. One of the things that makes my friends so special is their ability to just be quiet and listen when I’m going through a tough time. The same is true with depression. Often, people just need time to be heard.
Say, “I know this must be a very difficult time for you.” Offer hope and encouragement, but not pie-in-the-sky over the top optimism. Make sure your statements validate their sadness, fears and concerns, while at the same time letting them know they will not feel this way forever.
Say, “You are a strong person. I hope you know you don’t have to be strong all the time. Instead of trying to maintain a façade of okayness, it’s okay to cry or scream or let your feelings pour out when the sadness takes over.”
Say, “It’s understandable that you would be angry and frustrated. I hear how you are feeling and it’s okay.”
Invite your depressed friend of family to talk about his or her feelings, but don’t force it. If they do talk be an active listener. Repeating statements back lets your friend know you are listening and doing your best to understand how depression feels to them.
A depressed person may confide with you that they hate themselves. Although you will want to refute their statement, resist. Instead, validate their experience by saying something like, “I’m hearing you say you hate yourself. Can you share more about that with me?” One of the healthiest things a depressed person can do is express the deep, dark thoughts and feelings that go in during depression.
Offer hope. Don’t dismiss the experience that your friend is going through, but do tell them, “I know you feel that you cannot go on, but I believe in you and I believe you will get better. You are not alone, even though you feel alone. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel—it’s okay that you don’t see it yet.
If your friend opens up and begins to cry, feel honored and let them cry. There’s nothing to fix. Give him or her some space and remain present. By offering your acceptance of their tears you let your loved one know in tangible terms that their experience is valid and that they have someone to turn to. You might be the only friend who isn’t too afraid to bear witness to the complicated and messy expression of their sadness.
If you sincerely want to help your family member or friend then just listen. There are no special words you have to come up with the make them feel better. If you are feeling tense, take a few deep breaths, and find it within yourself to relax, accept, and let them be in their experience. Often, when you are calm and allowing, the right things to say naturally flow.
Depression is a process and the more you know about that process, the more you can help yourself move through the experience. If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
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This is a great article. I can think of so many people I could have sent this to, so many times I could have used this…I’m on the upside of a deep depression (I’m a life-long depressive, with my first event at age
that began in 2005 or so, and it’s been a long, lonely struggle.
Last summer, I tried talking to my mother about some things from childhood that have been bothering me most of my life — events she denies happened. She said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, “You know, you must really have something wrong with your head.”
It was at that moment I realized that I was on my own as far as she’s concerned. I wish I would have had this article to share with her. Now, I don’t even care because I don’t want to get that close to her again.
Dear Kidelo,
Take a few deep breaths and do your best to enjoy your current “upside of deep depression.” Take this time to take care of yourself, soothe your nerves, relax, and laugh a little if you can. As you say, depression is a long, lonely struggle, and from what you write, it isn’t over yet.
I’m sorry your mother doesn’t possess the ability to see things from your viewpoint. And even worse, she seemed to blame your feelings and emotions as there being “something wrong with your head.” It would have been healing if she could have listened and validated your experiences. However, the ability to allow someone to have their feelings while being a neutral listener is a high level skill that she may not possess. Validation doesn’t mean she agrees with you, it just means that she hears how things are for you right now without making your wrong or defending herself. Like I said, that is a difficult skill to acquire.
Don’t give up. It’s important that you tell your story. Find a friend, therapist, family member, counselor, or someone you can tell your story to. Being able to speak aloud your experiences to someone who will listen is important to the healing process. You have to “see” your story outside of yourself before you can allow it to be in the past where it belongs. Tell the story enough and it begins to get old. Once it gets old, you begin to sense that you are ready to stop blaming your mom, dad, childhood, etc. for messing up your entire life. As you let go of the story, you look for new ways to accept responsibility to make your life a joyful and fulfilling life.
Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t seem right to get close to your mom again right now, then don’t. You know what is best for you.
Take a few deep breaths and know that your depression is important and yet it doesn’t have to be a “life-long” process. It is a process through which you are waking up, remembering yourself, healing old wounds, and making new decisions about the important life that is yours.
From my heart to yours, it’s going to be okay.
Love, Annette
My husband gets very jealous and insecure sometimes then he seems to go into some type of depression. I find this so hard to deal with. No matter what I try to say or do I tend to make it worse. In fact I end up making myself so angry then we argue then the whole thing becomes a completely different issue.
And in some situations he takes the rest of us with him!
kelly´s last blog ..Baby Nightlight And Soother Activated By Sound
Hi Kelly,
Don’t you just hate when this happens? You see the pattern between you and your husband. You feel the old energy patterns of the dance. You know you’re being manipulated. Hell, you even know you’re particpating into the game. But it seems no matter what you do, nothing seems to work. After awhile, you get so frustrated you just wish your husband would “get fixed” or “get over it.”
But it’s not that easy, and if it was, you would miss out on an important opportunity of self-empowerment.
I have a couple of ideas if you’re interested, but it takes a lot of courage. First, do whatever you can to accept the situation and allow things to unfold as it usually does. But now begin to increase your awareness. Feel into yourself as your husband becomes jealous and insecure. Notice your emotional reactions, your physical reactions, your thoughts and expectations, and your tensions and breathing. Notice if you are calm and centered on the inside, or if there is anything you are doing that helps the situation escalate from insecurity into depression. This is not an opportunity for blame or even self-blame, rather an opportunity for higher awareness.
You may consider asking a friend to watch as the situation unfolds. This neutral observer is there not to analyze or fix the situation, merely to watch and relay information back to you. If that person tells you something about yourself and you notice yourself getting angry or snapping at them, it’s likely they saw something important. Take a breath, apologize for snapping, and accept the information to digest at your own pace.
You may also consider video taping you and your husband as you do your dance together. He might be willing to watch the tape with you in the spirit of healing and relationship building. Since it takes two to do this dance, you have as much healing to do as your husband does. As you heal, the world heals.
Let us know your thoughts and ideas.
Most of all, I know you will get through this. I believe in you. Annette
I just needed some of your insight or advice on this issue I have with my friend:
She’s a VERY depressed person. She’s been through so many hard experiences, and even threatened suicide once. She used to cut, and I know she hurts on the inside. I offer to talk to her but usually she cuts me out. When she talks, she comes to me. I don’t mind talking to her, but lately all the talk of her depression and things that are deeply bothering her are starting to get to me. I can’t function throughout the day, I worry constantly about her, and I feel like I haven’t helped or changed her when she says I have. I feel obligated to stay in this friendship because I know she thinks “I’d be hopeless without you” (she’s told me that), and part of wants to be there for her, but I’m finding it to be too hard. She thinks of life in a very sad way, and I think of it in a positive way. She’s not open to my advice or help, because it “contradicts” her negative way of thinking.
Thanks if you read this,
Julie V.
Dear Julie,
I can tell your heart is in the right place and that you really want to help your friend. Yet as you’ve begun to notice, it is VERY difficult to be around someone who is severely depressed.
But perhaps what is making the situation most difficult for you (and your friend) is that you are trying to ‘change’ your friend. You’re expending energy in an attempt to heal or fix your friends experience of depression. Of course, a true friend such as yourself doesn’t want to see your loved one hurting, so you do all you can to try to “heal” that person. Inadvertently, you make matters worse for both yourself and for your friend.
It sounds like each time you try to help, you end up feeling drained, unappreciated, or even angry. That’s not good for you are for her. If you want to try something different, you have several options. For example, you could feel inside yourself and come to the conclusion that you are unprepared to deal with your friend’s ongoing depression and remove yourself from the situation. It’s not your job to save the world and you have your own important life to live. Your friend truly will find her way through her experience with or without you. It’s not your fault your friend is depressed, and you’re not responsible for their depressed feelings. You will not be a better or worse person for moving on. And letting go of this friendship may even prove more beneficial to both of you than your current way of trying to help. It may be time for you to move on and focus more intently on following your dream.
Another option is to learn how to listen with detached compassion. What I mean by this is learning to listen while remaining emotionally detached and not getting personally involved in her depression. This is so hard to do, and yet is the most powerfully healing action any human could share with another human. Imagine being able to listen to your friend’s deepest darkest thoughts and beliefs without casting judgment or desperately trying to save her. Imagine being able to hear her thoughts of suicide while knowing that her expression of suicide and your ability to listen may be the action that prevents her from going through with the act. While listening, you don’t agree with what is being said, you just don’t make what is being said bad, wrong, or personal. Instead you provide the light of acceptance, the safe energy of presence, and the compassion of unconditional love.
Also, it is the nature of a depressed person to sometimes want to talk to a friend and at other times push them away. The depression process moves forward at its own pace. When your friend reaches out to you, it is because you are able to listen. In fact, you may be the one person she has to turn to. When a depressed person pushes you away, it is not personal. Instead, the depressed person needs all their available energy to heal and just get through the day. When the depressed person again reaches out to you, it is because they love you and know that you are someone they can trust.
Pay attention to what is going on energetically when the two of you talk. Sometimes a depressed person does want to take a little energy from you. If you are willing to share your energy with them, do so consciously, freely, joyously, and with no strings attached. Take your friend on a walk, engage in a light movie, or find a way to laugh. But if you feel depleted, drained, or angry, then that isn’t fine. Those feelings mean that you did something you really didn’t want to do, and now you feel like a victim.
Even though you are not the person who is depressed, have you thought about reading my book “Depression Freedom?” Reading it will not just help out your friend, it will give expand the joy, love and compassion that lives inside of you.
With love,
Annette
Hi, my husband said he snapped whilst on paternity leave with my third born. He was answering phone from work whilst being run off his feet. For a few weeks said he was empty and didnt know what was wrong with him. 3 weeks later he moved out before we knew he was depressed. He struggled with the Dr’s diagnosis for a while before accepting this. He has been stressed with his job for well over the last year and a half and we have had serious financial problems. However he has told me he doesnt love me (this is so out of the blue) and wants me to move on. He is so insistant on this. After weeks of heartache i realised he didnt feel properly for the kids and he has admitted to not having any love for the baby. He looks at him and knows hes his but doesnt feel hes his. One day after I kissed him he said I stirred an attraction between us and our relationships became physical. However said felt no love. I continued with this as he gave glimers of hope about his feelings as he kept asking questions about why he found me so attractive. I thought deep down he still loves me as it was so out of the blue this depression as it hit instantly. But I believe he has convinced himself he doesnt love me know. He said he belives the love for the two eldest kids will return. Then why not for me? He was such a loving and good family man I can barely recognise him anymore. Now that i told him someone is interested in me he wont speak to me . I think hes afriad of someone either getting too close to our kids or that he doesnt want me, but doesnt want anyone else to have me either. What should I do as if i could work out if he loves me id wait for him, but he cant see past each day and believes not. He cant rememebr any good times we have had , but has escalated any bad times into major events! he says hel always find me attractive and irrisistable, but never love. When he tells me things like, hel never be back to this house or family, hes v convincing. Ive had my heart broken so many times but want to do the right thing as i love him soo much and want my baby to have his dad love him. my world has fallen apart instantly. We had no major tragedys in our marriage although there could have been more sex and love from me as had been busy due to mundane and family commitments. But at night always settled down to a cuddle and tv. I have become the woman he first married lately as ive taken the split onboard and realised how we both changed because of kids. He says he has noticed this but is it enough?
Marie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here in this Divine Self safe space. Your husband is depressed, but you also are going through a most difficult time. I hope this blog, the articles, and the love of the people in our community can bring you comfort as we read your words, and embrace you with our love.
Your words portray both the compassion and love you feel for your husband as well as the confusion, fear, and pain. Your world is falling apart without warning and you don’t understand why this happened or how to make it through the days.
If your husband is going through depression, then it makes sense that he does not feel love for you in the way he once did. Most likely, he may not feel love at all during his experience. Depression leave a person feeling flat, lifeless, and filled with misery, suffering, and heartache.
I would suggest that perhaps all is not lost between you and your husband. Although he may never love you in the way he once did, depression opens the doorway to entering into a new type of love.
There is a major shift that occurs during depression. The depressed person becomse cutoff from the world and those they love in order to find a new way to fill the empty spaces within themselves. Depression is a process during which many old wounds have an opportunity to heal. As those wounds heal and the depression eventually lifts, there is opportunity to reconfigure your relationship, to build it better than it was before. This may or may not happen, but what is inevitable is that your relationship will be different than it was before.
Perhaps you are experiencing your own core wounds of worthiness, lovability, and loneliness now that your husband no longer fills those empty spaces. This time could offer a potential for you to heal your broken heart and find new ways to love yourself even while (especially while) you are going through this most terrible experience.
Your world is indeed falling apart. And when that happens we feel pain and fear, and attempt to cling ever more tightly to what we once had and how we once did things. However old systems are quickly collapsing not only in your immediate world, but also in the world around us. But that does not mean the world is ending. It only means that the world is changing. Change requires letting go of old systems and old ways of doing things. As you experiencing the collapsing within your own own family, trust that deep within everything in your life is on purpose and with value. You will get through this and you will find your way.
If you are interested, my recent book Depression Freedom can be a resource to help gain insight, understanding, and healing. Iin addition, this blog is always available to you as you share your journey, your pain, and your triumphs.
You are never alone.