Can Emotions Harm Us?

While diverting attention from an overwhelming emotion is sometimes a healthy coping mechanism, it is not a long term solution. There’s a saying that goes, “What we resist, persists.” This expression is true when it pertains to the intense emotions that depression can bring in awareness. 

No matter how it feels, an emotion cannot harm us. No matter how intense, raw, or extreme an emotion is, it cannot kill us. We may believe ourselves to be unsafe during an emotional situation, and we may be uncertain how to cope with the intensity of what we are experiencing, but the energy of an emotion is just that—energy. 

Expression
Healing depression requires learning new ways of expressing emotions and emotional energy. This doesn’t mean analysis, figuring out why you are feeling what you are experiencing, or looking to the past to see who is to blame for why you are feeling so bad. 

What is needed is pure, safe, authentic expression. This means finding new ways to allow the energy inside to get outside. Because when energy is given awareness and expression, it ends up seeking its own resolution. Healing depression and emotions isn’t about finding mental solutions to a problem—healing requires bringing into conscious awareness the expression of the painful beliefs and stories held within. Once we are consciously aware of the beliefs that no longer serve us, then and only then, are we able to make new and different choices. 

New Ways of Healing Emotions and Depression
Instead of resisting emotions, ask yourself what the best way is to allow a safe expression of the emotion. Sense inward for the choice that is right for you—while you’re feeling deep emotions. Do the best you can to allow the intense energy of emotions to release in a way that is natural and safest for you. Keep breathing. Feel into your inner self and ask, “What is the best thing I can do for myself right now while this process continues? What is the best form of expression I can give to my pain to help myself heal?” 

If you don’t get an immediate answer, take a few deep breaths and wait a while until you have a sense of what direction to take. If you still don’t know what to do to help express yourself, just try something. Listed below are a few ideas to get you started. 

Emotional expression comes in many forms. For instance… 

• do you need to listen to soothing music,
• scream in the privacy of your car,
• carve your emotions onto the crisp white pages of a journal,
• wail your painful story to a friend who will listen,
• sit in the warm sunshine,
• or take a walk in the cold night? 
• Do you feel the need to take a shower or a bath?
• Perhaps it would be more fitting to draw it,
• sculpt it in clay,
• or make visual images? 
• Another approach is to take the emotion or feeling into movement or sound. 
• Or perhaps you feel the need to cry?

If so, go ahead and let it out. Cry, curl up in a fetal position in the corner, and be aware of yourself having the experience. You don’t need to know why or what the tears are about. Get out of your head, and stay with yourself as you cry. Hang on until the emotional wave passes. If a painful story does come up, continue breathing and use some form of expression to get the story  outside of yourself. 

Gaining Trust of Yourself During Depression
Moving things out into conscious awareness provides new perspective and healing. You don’t have to act on emotions, but they do require awareness through some form of expression. 

There’s no standard “right” answer to what you are supposed to do. There’s no fixing the emotion. There’s just you breathing, sensing inward for the best way to express yourself, keeping yourself safe, and allowing your process to come into completion. Things are complete when there’s nothing more to express, when you run out of steam, or when you notice you’re expressing the same things repeatedly and there doesn’t seem to be an inner reason to continue with the expression. When you reach that point, take a few deep breaths and let the process be complete. 

With learning new coping mechanisms of how to safely be with seemingly unsafe emotions, we enter into a new level of trust for life and for ourselves. We learn that we are safe even during the windstorms of intense emotions. 

Are you looking for new ways to end depression? Even if you are angry at yourself for being human and have lost all hope, Depression Freedom shows the gentle steps you can take to skillfully lead yourself through depression and restore the joy of living. It is impossible to read this book without being changed by it. The inspiration within these pages will captivate you and be the inspiration you need to stop the reign of darkness and embrace a new celebration of life.

Trust in Yourself

Breathe
When feeling anxiety, decide to take several slow, deep conscious breaths. Take a deep breath and hold it for a couple of seconds, then release it slowly and steadily. Then repeat those deep slow breaths two or three more times. Sometimes, when people begin to breath, they feel resistance. They say, “No! I don’t want to!” Or, “This isn’t going to help at all.” Then their whole body tightens up once more. That’s all right; it’s common and nothing to worry about. If that happens, just begin again. Breathing helps move stress, and leads you out of your worried mind and back into your spirit.

Go Into Nature
When you feel anxious, create time for healing and letting go by going for a walk in nature, sitting beneath the trees, or watching the water. Sit with the Earth and let her listen and provide comfort as you softly express your sorrow. Fresh air and a change of scenery can help you breathe, give you access to the healing power of nature, and get you through at least part of the day.

Write Down Your Thoughts
Writing allows pent-up emotions to gush out. While this eruption of emotion can be scary, the energy begins to dissipate. Your writing doesn’t have to be profound for this to happen. The act of simply writing your personal thoughts helps empty the large reservoirs of energy connected with the difficult experience of depression. As writing continues, the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or physical sensations will weaken. The intense charge will decrease. The intensity will drain from within. When the energy lessens, you’ll see that you survived. You may feel a sense of release, letting go, or relief. You may be more comfortable with having those feelings.

Talk Out Loud
Unexpressed, unspoken swirling thoughts leave you more frustrated, more stressed, and more trapped. Nobel Prize winner Hermann Hesse (1877–1962) stated, “Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.” Talking out loud is a tool that helps us move through challenging situations. The expression of thoughts into audible words moves out the heavy energy. The next time you’re feeling caught in the middle of some dark energy, talk out loud. If you know someone who is a good listener and has the ability to accept your thoughts and emotions, great! But if a friend is not available in the exact moment you need him or her, take care of yourself by putting your thoughts and emotions into spoken words. Hearing your own voice provides healing presence.

There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may have when our needs are not being met. 

Feelings when your needs are satisfied

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

The Center for Nonviolent Communication is a global organization that supports the learning and sharing of NVC, and helps people peacefully and effectively resolve conflicts in personal, organizational, and political settings. What I especially admire about Marshall Rosenberg’ and his NVC organization is his contributions to the creation of world peace through peaceful conflict resolution. If you haven’t read it already, check out his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life available at Amazon.com

Frustration happens when we believe we need something and we can’t seem to find a way to fulfill that need. We want things to run smoothly, and when we can’t seem to achieve what we want in a particular situation frustration happens. In other words, we don’t get what we want. Frustration is also a common emotional response to opposition. 

Examples of frustration in everyday life are numerous. It can happen when you are sitting in traffic, when you can’t stop your newborn baby from crying, or when you’re trying to achieve a goal and you feel that you are blocked from reaching a successful outcome. It’s the feeling you get when your car doesn’t start and you’re late for work, or when your puppy won’t stop barking and you want to sleep. 

Frustration goes beyond irritation. It’s related to anger and disappointment, with feelings of dissatisfaction or discouragement when our needs, goals, or expectations are not met. Some level of frustration is expected in our lives, but if that stress is left unresolved, it saps our energy, leaving us feeling tired, increasingly helpless, cynical, and even resentful. That tension can lead to blood pressure increasing, a clutching chest, headaches, and severe body tension. With prolonged stress, a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion occurs. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing left to give. 

Different people deal differently to extreme frustration. Some people who are more expressive will display their frustration inappropriately and then feel embarrassment or regret afterward. They may make rash, reactionary decisions, or display unsuitable anger towards others while blind to the consequences of their actions. Other people, for example those who are more introverted, may keep the energy of their frustration bottled up inside. Some people become emotional and cry. While crying can often be a positive form of energetic release, it can also leave us feeling disempowered and unable to manage our emotions. 

None of these approaches are wrong; however they all come with potentially counterproductive outcomes.  Feeling frustration is neither wrong nor weak. What is important is having self-empowering ways to handle our frustration. If you feel lost in dealing with frustration or wanting new coping strategies, read these tips for converting the energy of your frustration into positive actions. 

Seven Secrets to Turn Frustration Into Success: 

Awareness
Become more adept at catching yourself in the act of being frustrated. When you notice you’re getting frustrated—or even over the top frustrated—stop. Take a deep breath, and identify the chatter going on inside your mind. What you are feeling frustrated about? It may seem obvious, but often the issue of exactly why we feel frustration is clouded. Naming your frustration is an important first step. 

Take a Break
When you get really frustrated, take a time out. Go outside for a few minutes. Take a short walk. Go get a cup of coffee. Taking a few minutes off can help you cool down and calm down. Frustration also comes from trying too hard. Once some of the stress has dissipated and you feel a bit more refreshed, you can get back into the game with new resourcefulness.  

New Perspective
Step back from the situation that is causing you to feel frustrated. This doesn’t mean run and pretend nothing happened. Just take a step back from the thought patterns that are fueling your frustration, take a few deep breaths, and let yourself relax. When you’re ready, dissociate from the situation and look at the situation from an interested or curious perspective. Rather than being in the thick of things, step out of the situation and be an observer. From this new vantage point you’ll often see other possible solutions.   

Emotional Expression
Express your emotions in a healthy way by talking about what is bothering you or writing your emotions in a journal. Writing is not only a great way to disperse the energy of frustration; it also puts things outside of you so that you can gain new perspective about how to solve the issue. 

No More Victim Mentality
When experiencing extreme frustration, one reaction is to want to quit.  However, quitting because of a victim mentality leaves us with lowered self-confidence and even more frustration. Frustration often occurs because things seem too difficult for us to handle. That’s probably because we don’t yet have the skills, knowledge, or techniques necessary to have what we want. However, that’s also the great opportunity that frustration provides: Frustration gives us new opportunities to grow and gain self-empowerment. Let yourself know that life happens to everyone, others have gotten through similar situations, and that somehow you will get through this too. 

Nourish Your Creative Side
When you’re feeling overly frustrated and unable to handle a situation or a particular challenge, take a break and find a way to express your creativity. List to music, paint, turn on the music and dance! Find a short creative project that you really enjoy. By tapping into you creative nature, you’ll feel better and instantly be more connected to your core self. 

Imagine a Positive Outcome
Once you’ve taken  some steps to breathe, relax, and settle down, start creating a new belief that you can handle this situation in better ways. Imagine yourself achieving your desired outcome. Imagine yourself handling the situation with calm and ease. You might not know all the steps of exactly how you will solve this situation, but don’t let that stop you. You can still take the time to imagine and feel yourself being successful.  Imagination will inspire you to keep moving forwards with heart and new energy.

I’ll ask myself what I need to do to feel calm right now. Taking a deep breath I become even more aware of my fears and emotions. Coming back into my body, the fear within is consciously palpable. Resisting the urge to flee these feelings, I take another deep breath. I look out the window and take in the sky and trees and whatever birds or bugs are flying by. I release into a sigh, and another deep breath. 

Anxious thoughts lessen in intensity and for a few moments there is only feeling. There is room now for the emotions to pass through. This may be as far as I can go. Inner peace is not complete, but there is a feeling of increased calmness and trust in myself. Sometimes the emotions break loose and I allow myself to let go with tears or some other form or expression. When that happens, it’s like an emotional storm has just blown through me, and is passing by on its way to somewhere else. One conscious breath at a time I make it through my day.

Below are six powerful steps to help you cope with disappointment.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Automatic Coping Actions

Disappointment is a very difficult experience to endure. It’s very easy to perceive disappointment as an unalterable failure. Disappointment can feel so overwhelmingly bad that your first automatic reaction might be to soothe yourself with some old tried and true coping strategy. Perhaps you find yourself overeating ice cream for comfort, going to bed to escape life, or drinking away your disappointment. Falling into an old comfort habit is fine, but it’s not fine to remain there.

When you realize what you have done, let yourself know that it is okay that you checked out for a while. You’re back now. And just because you overate or indulged yourself in a numbing or avoidance action, doesn’t mean your disappointment is gone. It’s still there inside of you, waiting for you to process it in an appropriate manner. When the effect of your coping strategy starts to wear off, take a deep breath and deal with your disappointment in positive, new ways.

Step 2:Acknowledge What You Feel

To move through your disappointment, begin from where you are. Whatever you are feeling is your starting place. Disappointment is a rotten sensation and if you are in an emotional uproar, that is acceptable. You feel what you feel. There’s no need to be nice, or quiet, or suppressed. Instead of numbing out or avoiding what is real, express your pain. Cry if you want to cry, cuss at the unfairness of your situation, scream at the top of your lungs, beat a pillow, or write a raging letter about your disappointment. The point is not to blame, punish, or dump your feelings on anyone. Your purpose is to be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. If you feel hate, bitterness, self-pity, helplessness, or even desire revenge, then that is what you feel. Express yourself to yourself, get it out into the open, then move on to the next step.

Not sure what you are feeling? Go through the following list of emotions and stop when you get to what you feel. Then feel that feeling, without doing anything else. Feel what you feel. Your mind would rather have you thinking about solutions, or running away, or avoiding feeling. Just feel what you feel. Then when you are ready, keep going down the list until you find the next emotion that you fee.  Feel what you feel without telling yourself a story about why you feel this way. Keep moving down the list, but not too fast.

The List of Emotions

• Disappointment
• Frustration
• Discouraged
• Worry, Doubt
• Hopeless, Despair, Meaningless
• Worthlessness
• Emptiness
• Powerless
• Loneliness
• Bitterness
• Blame, Hate
• Rage, Revenge
• Regret, Remorse, Guilt
• Jealousy, Envy
• Anger
• Resentment, Bitterness
• Pessimism
• Grief, Sadness
• Self-pity
• Overwhelm
• Victim
• Martyr
• Confusion
• Boredom
• Acceptance
• Compassion, Caring
• Hope, Trust
• Interest
• Confidence
• Optimism
• Enthusiasm
• Passion
• Happiness
• Love
• Joy
• Well-Being, Peace, Contentment
• Intimacy

Step 3: Put Things into Perspective

At first, your disappointment can feel like the end of the world. It’s not easy to accept that you’ve worked hard to attain a certain outcome and now you face disappointment. Let yourself know that while your disappointment feels bad, this kind of thing happens to everyone in life. You are not being singled out or punished. Remind yourself that disappointments won’t last forever. The sun will shine again, tomorrow will come, and soon you will feel better again.

Step 4: Dissolve Doubt

When experiencing disappointment, it can be easy to slip into doubt. You may automatically find yourself engaged in limited thinking, and feel yourself wanting to give up. Become aware of what beliefs rise to the surface as you face your disappointment. Here are a few examples:   

• I can never have what I want.
• It was stupid of me to even try.
• There wasn’t really much chance of success in the first place.
• My best is never good enough.
• Poor me, why does something like this always happen to me.
• I’m being punished.

The benefit of facing disappointment in a new way is that you allow yourself to become consciously aware of what you believe deep down inside of you about your life, your self, and your abilities to succeed. Once you can recognize your limiting beliefs, you can take steps to begin releasing those beliefs and building new self-empowering beliefs.

 Step 5: Take Three Deep Breaths

Often, our first response is to analyze what went wrong and then try to fix the disappointment. We begin to obsess about the disappointment, telling ourselves repeatedly, “I’m so disappointed. What can I do?” We go over the situation repeatedly looking for a way to make it right, or for someone to blame. Notice how trying to fix the situation makes you feel tight, anxious, and fearful.

There is another option. When you are feeling disappointment, take three deep breaths and go into yourself. Allow your mind and body to relax and calm down. Release some of your tension. Now, as you consider your disappointment, say the words, “There’s a positive lining to this disappointment and I’m sure something good is coming from this experience.” Don’t try to hide from your disappointment, but find ways to extract value from your experience. Notice that by breathing and relaxing a little, you begin to open to new possibilities along with new hope.

Step 6: Talk to You

What you say to yourself during your disappointment can make all the difference. I’m not suggesting sugar-coated affirmations here. There is nothing worse than affirming, “I am blissful, content and serene” when you are anything but.

Now more than ever, you need a friend to listen to your situation and to support you through this difficult time. That friend needs to be you. Go to the nearest mirror and talk to yourself. Tell your story, state out loud how you feel, and then encourage yourself. Tell yourself, “I can make it through this.” Your words can help connect you to your spirit, your confidence, and your source of new possibilities. In case you are out of practice with your self-encouragement, here are some empowering statements that can lift your spirits: 

• I know that I’ll feel better soon.
• I’ve gotten through disappointment before. I know I’ll get through this.
• I’m going to be open to the silver lining hidden within this disappointment.
• Good will come out of this situation. I choose to be patient as it unfolds.
• I don’t know exactly what to do right now, but I know that I will make the right choices.
• I have choice over my feelings and right now, I choose to breathe more deeply into my peace, not my fear.  

Remember, it takes courage to leave the rut of disappointment. Don’t quit yet. Use the steps above to discover the tremendous capacity within you to rise above and beyond your disappointment and reach success.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.  Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.  As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be.  And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.

~ Anne Frank