Like many people reading your painful words, I wish I could make this better for you. What I can do is let you know that I hear you, I feel you, and I see how much pain and confusion you are in. I also see how much beauty and value there is to the essence of who you are, even when you are in this much pain.

You are loved and you are valuable even while living in the darkness. There is hope. Always.

We’ve all made choices that upon reflection we realize that they were not perhaps the easiest or best choices we could have made for ourselves, but it sounds as if you’ve come to forgive yourself for those choices. You’ve got a beautiful teenage daughter, a mom, and close friends who are all on your side. With all this going on…why are you depressed? Even more to the point, why are you thinking suicidal thoughts?

Life is complicated and filled with many layers, so the answers aren’t always easily apparent. I could offer a few suggestions for you to try on and see if any of these seem to fit…

It could be that you are more closely connected to your spirit side and because you feel or sense so much of the other side, that you long for your spirit or greatly miss the “other” realms.

Or it could be that you are in a place of life where old beliefs and habits are ready to be shed, but sometimes the idea of dying seems perhaps easier than the idea of moving through such a great change.

Perhaps another idea to try on for size is that you are in a place of evolution where you must consciously choose for yourself whether you wish to remain here on Earth. Maybe you have already accomplished your soul desire, and now must reevaluate whether to stay or go “back home”. With everything that you feel and sense, and the heaviness of this life, would you choose for yourself to live. Imagine the self-love involved in that conscious choice! Would you stay not because you have to by default remain here, not because your family or friends need you, not because you are supposed to stay living, not because you will go to some place of damnation if your end your life…but to choose YOUR life soley because you decide that remaining in life is important to you.

I don’t know if any of those suggestions resonate for you. But I can say with absolute certainty that what you are experiencing is real, is valid, and has deep meaning for the evolution of Michelle. I also know with absolute certainty that being outside in nature is one of the most healing things you can be doing right now. It may not seem helpful from the place you are standing in right now, but when you look back on this time in your life you will see that going for walks was probably one of the things that mattered the most.

I would bet everything that you are not insane. I have written a book entitled Depression Freedom that you might be interested in reading. If you are interested check it out on my website. If you like what you see but somehow can’t afford it, write me and I’ll send you a copy. Or stay on this blog and keep writing. Lot so people read what you have to say, benefit from your words, and often people respond.

Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences with us. Your words are important to us all.

This is only temporary…it always is!!

I feel your pain. If you would like to chat, I will listen.

Hugs, Kathleen