I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. They go wandering forth in all directions with every wind, going and coming like ourselves, traveling with us around the sun two million miles a day, and through space heaven knows how fast and far!
~John Muir
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Yosemite National Park is one of America’s most beautiful national parks. It is world famous for its rugged terrain, century-old Sequoia trees, high peaks and waterfalls.
A fortunate few have been witness to the park’s amazing natural “firefall.” Horsetail Falls, aka El Capitan Falls, drops 1500 feet off incredible El Capitan. For about ten days at the end of each February, if conditions are right, orange sunsets are reflected in the fall each evening, which makes the cascading water look like it’s on fire.
During the winter in Yosemite, coming off of El Capitan, there is an almost non-existent waterfall called “Horsetail Falls.” Many maps don’t even have it marked because it’s a seasonal waterfall and only flows during the peak of the snow and ice melt between December and February. During the last two weeks in February, IF there is snow and ice still melting from the top of the mountain, and IF it is clear at sunset (which doesn’t happen too often due to the winter storms) the setting sun will turn this waterfall into a stream of molten fire. In order for the waterfall to look like molten lava, the sun’s position must be exactly at a particular spot in the sky. This occurs only in the month of February and at the short hours of dusk.
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There’s a common goal that sets people on a path of awakening their Divine Self. That goal is the desire to have more than brief flashes of delight, but to live a consistently rich, meaningful, joyful, and fulfilled life. But what is joy? Where is joy to be found? And how do we create more of it?
Joy is not a logical concept and as such can never be experienced by the mind. Joy is the result of love—or the spirit of an individual—becoming manifested in life. In other words, joy requires experiencing.
For example, joy can be experienced while quietly watching a sunset, cooking a meal, feeling the warmth of a southerly breeze, or in a moment of simple stillness. When we are playing, laughing, expressing ourselves, or even dancing, joy appears spontaneously.
Great pleasure fills us when we engage in stimulating or exciting endeavors. We “forget” ourselves and have a good time. In other words, we lose the tight control we have over ourselves, soften our bodies, breathe more deeply, and remain absorbed in the current moment.
What is joy?
It is a bird
That we all want to catch.
It is the same bird
That we all love to see flying- Sri Chinmoy
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If you are currently depressed, then quite possibly over the next days, weeks, and months, you are going to continue to feel very alone, lost, and inadequate as you live through an intensely difficult experience. In all likelihood, your depression isn’t going to lift immediately. In fact, there is no predicting when your depression will cease.
Although no end is in sight to what looks like the worst nightmare of your life, your situation is not hopeless. You don’t need to go it alone, but you do need to show up for yourself like you have never done before. Although motivation may be almost nonexistent and persevering through this journey seems a grueling task, it is necessary that you take positive action. You cannot recover by a mere act of will or sheer willpower. You can’t change your “mood” and no longer be depressed. You can’t wish it away.
What you can do is take action on the small things that help you survive for the long haul and keep your experience moving forward. Gaining freedom from depression is a process that can’t be rushed. However, while you may not be able to speed up the process, there are unfortunately plenty of ways to get tangled up in the situation and make things worse than they already are.
The key to depression recovery is to start small and keep doing the small things. Your goal is not to make yourself achieve happiness. It’s not that you won’t have some occasional moments of feeling okay or even somewhat cheerful, but overall, “happy” isn’t going to be one of your leading emotions. Your objective is to keep the process moving. It’s very, very easy to get stuck. You want to act in ways that will make a positive difference to get your energy unblocked and flowing.
There are many, many paths, techniques, medicines, religions, and expert opinions concerning how best to get through depression. Your path through depression is as singular as you are, and no technique in the world can possibly encompass that. All those who are experiencing depression must discover for themselves, through experience, what works for them. Because your depression is unique, you can’t just fit yourself into the framework of a certain set of ideas. There is no one right way to move through your depression, nor is there a perfect system that you can follow.
As you journey through your depression experience, take the information you encounter into that place within where you can touch your soul, where your wisdom resides. When certain ideas that you like resonate with you, make sense to you, then take those ideas and move forward. But if there’s an idea that doesn’t seem to ring true within you, ignore it or maybe come back to it later. Through your depression, you are learning to trust the unique essence that is you, and to do so, you get to choose the ideas and tools that are most effective for you.
Are you looking for new ways to end depression? Even if you are angry at yourself for being human and have lost all hope, Depression Freedom http://www.annettecolby.com/depression_freedom.shtml shows the gentle steps you can take to skillfully lead yourself through depression and restore the joy of living. It is impossible to read this book without being changed by it. The inspiration within these pages will captivate you and be the inspiration you need to stop the reign of darkness and embrace a new celebration of life.
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We’ve all experienced situations in which we become frustrated. Rather than being able to maintain a calm, centered, and relaxed state of inner confidence, we feel the intense bristle of emotion and tension and helpless to do anything about it.
Frustration happens when we believe we need something and we can’t seem to find a way to fulfill that need. We want things to run smoothly, and when we can’t seem to achieve what we want in a particular situation frustration happens. In other words, we don’t get what we want. Frustration is also a common emotional response to opposition.
Examples of frustration in everyday life are numerous. It can happen when you are sitting in traffic, when you can’t stop your newborn baby from crying, or when you’re trying to achieve a goal and you feel that you are blocked from reaching a successful outcome. It’s the feeling you get when your car doesn’t start and you’re late for work, or when your puppy won’t stop barking and you want to sleep.
Frustration goes beyond irritation. It’s related to anger and disappointment, with feelings of dissatisfaction or discouragement when our needs, goals, or expectations are not met. Some level of frustration is expected in our lives, but if that stress is left unresolved, it saps our energy, leaving us feeling tired, increasingly helpless, cynical, and even resentful. That tension can lead to blood pressure increasing, a clutching chest, headaches, and severe body tension. With prolonged stress, a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion occurs. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing left to give.
Different people deal differently to extreme frustration. Some people who are more expressive will display their frustration inappropriately and then feel embarrassment or regret afterward. They may make rash, reactionary decisions, or display unsuitable anger towards others while blind to the consequences of their actions. Other people, for example those who are more introverted, may keep the energy of their frustration bottled up inside. Some people become emotional and cry. While crying can often be a positive form of energetic release, it can also leave us feeling disempowered and unable to manage our emotions.
None of these approaches are wrong; however they all come with potentially counterproductive outcomes. Feeling frustration is neither wrong nor weak. What is important is having self-empowering ways to handle our frustration. If you feel lost in dealing with frustration or wanting new coping strategies, read these tips for converting the energy of your frustration into positive actions.
Seven Secrets to Turn Frustration Into Success:
Awareness
Become more adept at catching yourself in the act of being frustrated. When you notice you’re getting frustrated—or even over the top frustrated—stop. Take a deep breath, and identify the chatter going on inside your mind. What you are feeling frustrated about? It may seem obvious, but often the issue of exactly why we feel frustration is clouded. Naming your frustration is an important first step.
Take a Break
When you get really frustrated, take a time out. Go outside for a few minutes. Take a short walk. Go get a cup of coffee. Taking a few minutes off can help you cool down and calm down. Frustration also comes from trying too hard. Once some of the stress has dissipated and you feel a bit more refreshed, you can get back into the game with new resourcefulness.
New Perspective
Step back from the situation that is causing you to feel frustrated. This doesn’t mean run and pretend nothing happened. Just take a step back from the thought patterns that are fueling your frustration, take a few deep breaths, and let yourself relax. When you’re ready, dissociate from the situation and look at the situation from an interested or curious perspective. Rather than being in the thick of things, step out of the situation and be an observer. From this new vantage point you’ll often see other possible solutions.
Emotional Expression
Express your emotions in a healthy way by talking about what is bothering you or writing your emotions in a journal. Writing is not only a great way to disperse the energy of frustration; it also puts things outside of you so that you can gain new perspective about how to solve the issue.
No More Victim Mentality
When experiencing extreme frustration, one reaction is to want to quit. However, quitting because of a victim mentality leaves us with lowered self-confidence and even more frustration. Frustration often occurs because things seem too difficult for us to handle. That’s probably because we don’t yet have the skills, knowledge, or techniques necessary to have what we want. However, that’s also the great opportunity that frustration provides: Frustration gives us new opportunities to grow and gain self-empowerment. Let yourself know that life happens to everyone, others have gotten through similar situations, and that somehow you will get through this too.
Nourish Your Creative Side
When you’re feeling overly frustrated and unable to handle a situation or a particular challenge, take a break and find a way to express your creativity. List to music, paint, turn on the music and dance! Find a short creative project that you really enjoy. By tapping into you creative nature, you’ll feel better and instantly be more connected to your core self.
Imagine a Positive Outcome
Once you’ve taken some steps to breathe, relax, and settle down, start creating a new belief that you can handle this situation in better ways. Imagine yourself achieving your desired outcome. Imagine yourself handling the situation with calm and ease. You might not know all the steps of exactly how you will solve this situation, but don’t let that stop you. You can still take the time to imagine and feel yourself being successful. Imagination will inspire you to keep moving forwards with heart and new energy.
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Depression is a process. This means that over the course of days, weeks, or even months, depression will bring about many intense mood swings. When those terrible feelings occur, it can feel as if nothing else existed either before or after that all-encompassing dark sadness.
If you are having an especially tough, tough day, check out the five tips below. You can help yourself through a difficult time by following these compassionate, yet tried-and-true strategies.
Recognize You Are Having a Tough Day
Depression takes away our ability to evaluate ourselves realistically and calmly. When a particularly difficult day arises, it’s hard to have any perspective. In the thick of things, it just seems like you are always—and have always been—sad and hopeless. It’s hard to be rational, calm, or kind to yourself when in this state.
The solution is to recognize that you are having a difficult day, and that you are currently viewing things through this filter. Recognize this sense of helplessness or hopelessness as a feeling you have had before, and that it’s not one continuous unending feeling that goes on from one endless day into another. By acknowledging and accepting that you are having a bad day, you can put the experience into perspective and treat yourself with extra-special self-caring actions, such as the ones described below.
Get Up and Begin Your Day
If at all possible, avoid the temptation to stay day in bed all day sleeping, doing nothing, and trying to escape. Overall, numbing out and sleeping all day as an attempted escape strategy only makes things worse. The next day you end up feeling not only depressed, but listless and exhausted and totally out of sync.
As difficult as it might be, get up and begin your day. It is within your power to do so, even when that power is hard to muster. Get up, take a few conscious breaths, take a shower or at least wash your face, brush your teeth, and put on some clean clothes. It’s tempting to stay in your pajamas or grey sweat clothes all day without brushing your teeth or combing your hair. But making yourself presentable, even when you’re not going out into the world to see anybody, can make you feel like a human being again.
Call a Friend
There are days during depression when we don’t get dressed, don’t eat well, and are prone to wallow in self-pity. During depression this is completely understandable. But as the leader of your life, and the leader of your depression experience, it’s up to you to find constructive ways to take care of yourself on even the most difficult days.
One such strategy is to call a friend. Not for a therapy session or because misery loves company, but because being around someone who is not depressed is healing. You don’t have to interact with them or make conversation if you’re not up to it. Just being around someone who is not depressed, or taking a short stroll with them can leave you feeling more stable and able to make it through the day.
Go Outside
No matter what you are feeling, no matter how difficult your day is, going outside into nature is helpful. Get dressed, go outside, and sit in nature or go for a light stroll. Go out in the yard, see the trees, smell some flowers, or sit by a creek for awhile. Fresh air, the weather, and the earth itself help a lot.
Journal
On an especially difficult day, nothing replaces the value of writing in your journal. Getting your thoughts and feelings onto paper gets them out of you. Writing is a way of dispersing some of the energy that comes with difficult emotions. Keeping a journal is important because it’s something for you and only you. It’s a friend that is always there, a place where you can write about your darkest fears and deepest thoughts.
Overall, on some days it’s impossible to get it together or feel better. Treat your bad days with respect, and look inside to find the best ways to take care of yourself. Go easy on yourself. The sooner you treat yourself with loving compassion on the bad days, the sooner you can move into better day.
Are you looking for new ways to end depression? Even if you are angry at yourself for being human and have lost all hope, Depression Freedom http://www.annettecolby.com/depression_freedom.shtml shows the gentle steps you can take to skillfully lead yourself through depression and restore the joy of living. It is impossible to read this book without being changed by it. The inspiration within these pages will captivate you and be the inspiration you need to stop the reign of darkness and embrace a new celebration of life.
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One of the most difficult things about being depressed is that no one—often friends included—has the right thing to say. The experience seems so much lonelier to bear when there’s no one to share the tougher times with. If you have a friend or family member who is depressed or is in need of some comforting, read below for good ways to talk effectively with this person, and equally important, what not to say.
What Not to Say
If you have a friend or family member who is depressed, they are probably going through an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes they may want to be around people and sometimes they may want to be left alone. It’s difficult to know exactly what to do or say because so often there really isn’t anything “right” to do or say. In addition, because of the heaviness of their depression, and our inability to “help” them through the situation, it’s easy to get frustrated, distant, or offer unsolicited advice. Knowing what not to say can be as important as knowing what to say. Below are a few tips on what not to say.
Don’t say, “It’s time to put on a smile and put this depression behind you. It’s not that bad and you need to get over it.”
Don’t say, “You need to take medication if you ever want to get better.” Antidepressants are one form of therapy but not the only form, and certainly not always the right choice for everyone. If your loved one doesn’t want to take antidepressants, let them know you trust in their ability to listen to their inner spirit and manage their life. Antidepressants are so widely prescribed as the principal treatment, that when a person chooses not to take them, they often feel ridiculed, unsupported, and abandoned.
Don’t turn your back on your depressed friend because you are uncomfortable with their depression. Be open with your feelings and let them know, “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
Show love and encouragement. If it seems appropriate hug them, hold them, touch them. Ask them what you can do to help. Offer to feed them if they are hungry, scoop their cat litter, or run the bath for them if you feel they are open to that type of support. Actions often speak louder than words. Sometimes they may accept your help and sometimes they won’t. However, isolation is a common feeling for people who are depressed, so it’s important to make an effort to reach out.
Avoid criticizing, judging, analyzing, or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, agree with them when they cry and say the experience isn’t fair. Let them know this may not be fair, but it is the experience they are having. Let them know that you believe in your heart that they have the ability to make it through this.
Don’t interrupt your depressed friend when they start talking about depression. Pay attention, validate their pain and concerns, and let them know that you care about them even when they hurt.
Many people feel awkward around someone who is deeply depressed. In an effort to not make the situation worse, they choose to say nothing at all. Say something and let your friend know that you care. Be honest and tell them you don’t know the right thing to say, but also let them know it doesn’t matter as much as being with them.
Even if you have been depressed before, don’t say you know what they are going through. Depression is an individual experience, and it doesn’t help to make the conversation all about you. You can let them know that you’ve been in a similar situation and you’re willing to share your wisdom with them if they are ever interested. One day, when the time is right, they may take you up on your offer to share how you got through the journey.
Don’t try to coax your friend to share their feelings with you. A depressed person sometimes just needs to be around you, without talking. Reassure them that silence together is okay with you.
What To Say
When a friend or family member is depressed, you naturally want to help in any way you can. One of the best things you can do is respect their experience and show that you have faith in their ability to get through this difficult time. But when you don’t know what to say, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. You simply don’t know how to respond to the situation. Below are some tips that hope and help.
Acknowledge the situation. Say, “I’m sorry that you are in pain. I care for you and I love you no matter how much you hurt.”
Say, “I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.” If they do start to talk, learn how to listen without interrupting or attempting to fix things. Give the person space and opportunity to unburden some of the heavy energies of depression and ventilate their feelings. You don’t need to say much and there are no magic words. Your patience and acceptance are healing. It’s okay to listen without needed to respond. One of the things that makes my friends so special is their ability to just be quiet and listen when I’m going through a tough time. The same is true with depression. Often, people just need time to be heard.
Say, “I know this must be a very difficult time for you.” Offer hope and encouragement, but not pie-in-the-sky over the top optimism. Make sure your statements validate their sadness, fears and concerns, while at the same time letting them know they will not feel this way forever.
Say, “You are a strong person. I hope you know you don’t have to be strong all the time. Instead of trying to maintain a façade of okayness, it’s okay to cry or scream or let your feelings pour out when the sadness takes over.”
Say, “It’s understandable that you would be angry and frustrated. I hear how you are feeling and it’s okay.”
Invite your depressed friend of family to talk about his or her feelings, but don’t force it. If they do talk be an active listener. Repeating statements back lets your friend know you are listening and doing your best to understand how depression feels to them.
A depressed person may confide with you that they hate themselves. Although you will want to refute their statement, resist. Instead, validate their experience by saying something like, “I’m hearing you say you hate yourself. Can you share more about that with me?” One of the healthiest things a depressed person can do is express the deep, dark thoughts and feelings that go in during depression.
Offer hope. Don’t dismiss the experience that your friend is going through, but do tell them, “I know you feel that you cannot go on, but I believe in you and I believe you will get better. You are not alone, even though you feel alone. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel—it’s okay that you don’t see it yet.
If your friend opens up and begins to cry, feel honored and let them cry. There’s nothing to fix. Give him or her some space and remain present. By offering your acceptance of their tears you let your loved one know in tangible terms that their experience is valid and that they have someone to turn to. You might be the only friend who isn’t too afraid to bear witness to the complicated and messy expression of their sadness.
If you sincerely want to help your family member or friend then just listen. There are no special words you have to come up with the make them feel better. If you are feeling tense, take a few deep breaths, and find it within yourself to relax, accept, and let them be in their experience. Often, when you are calm and allowing, the right things to say naturally flow.
Depression is a process and the more you know about that process, the more you can help yourself move through the experience. If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
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Depression feels like nothing is ever going to be good again. It’s a place filled with hopelessness, endless suffering, and no memory of what it feels like to be happy. Nothing seems worth doing. It’s as if someone cast a spell and removed every ounce of joy and energy. You feel bad about yourself, worthless, like you did something wrong. Living in a world that bleak, heavy, and devoid of spiritual vitality makes some people feel like giving up.
What’s even worse is feeling alone in the experience. You are not alone and there are many people who understand, who have been where you are, who can reassure you that there is validity in your experience, and who can provide resources for hope and help. Below is a list of top ten questions that can help you get some answers about depression.
Am I crazy to hurt so much?
No, you are not crazy. There are many reasons that depression hurts so much, but that doesn’t mean you are crazy. Depression hurts because the experience brings up many of our limiting and painful beliefs, assumptions, and fears about life and about ourselves. Our perceived inadequacies and self-doubt rise up to meet us. Unable to run away of push them back down, our mind goes into a type of hyper-driven state as it attempts to fix the depression.
As the mind spins like a hamster trying unsuccessfully to end the depression, stress is generated. Stress makes a difficult situation even worse as we now believe ourselves to be in a life-threatening position. Stress releases adrenaline, tightens our grip, makes our breathing shallow, and aggravates stomach upset, insomnia, and other physical aches and pains. Unable to run or hide from depression, the stress gets us frozen right in the middle of it.
When you’re feeling frightened, helpless, and crazy, take several long, slow, deep, conscious breaths. As you continue to breathe gently look inside to find intuitive ways to get yourself out of the panic. Some ideas include taking a walk, writing in your journal, talking to someone, going outside in nature, or taking a bath. Finding small ways to relieve your stress won’t end the depression, but it will ease the pressurized crazy feeling.
What are the symptoms of depression?
Depressed mood for most of the day
Persistent sad or “empty” feelings
Loss of appetite or loss of weight
Eating more than usual and gaining weight
Trouble sleeping, insomnia, or oversleeping
Anxiety
Feeling tired all the time or finding everything is an effort
Not caring anymore about work, hobbies, friends, or sexual activity
Difficulty concentrating or thinking clearly, or indecisiveness
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of worthlessness
Excessive or inappropriate guilt
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
What feelings are normal during depression?
Guilt
Worthlessness
Denial
Anger
Loneliness
Sadness
Restlessness
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Overwhelm
Nervous
Inadequate
Apathy or loss of interest
Withdrawal from friends, family, and life
What other experiences are typical with depression?
Frequently feeling on the verge of tears
Waking up early in the morning, with difficulty returning to sleep
Feeling worse in the morning
Feeling anxious or irritable
A gloomy view of the future
Physical pain or headaches
Cravings for certain foods
What can I do about my feelings of depression?
Express yourself. A common tendency is to push down uncomfortable feelings while hoping they’ll go away on their own. However, pushing down your depression is neither healthy nor your speediest course to feeling better. What does work is giving your emotions and feelings expression. Talking honestly to someone about what you’re going through, or writing your experience in a journal frees up some of the energy of those heavy emotions and helps you get through the day.
What can I do to take care of myself?
Sometimes, nothing really helps much, except getting through an especially difficult day. One of the best ways to “get through it” is to take radical care of yourself right now, when you need it most. If you’re having a really bad day, it may be a good idea to withdraw for a short time if you can. Take a walk in nature. Sit outside in the sunshine. Take a warm bath. If you’re at work, consider going home early or giving yourself a mental health day. Look inside yourself and engage in the actions that bring comfort.
What can I do when I can’t sleep?
Sometimes people with depression have difficulty sleeping. There are medications that can help, but there are many other, non-medication ways to help with sleep:
Take a long warm bath scented with lavender
Listen to relaxation CDs
Read something inspirational, healing, spiritual, or religious
Avoid caffeine
Drink a cup of relaxing herbal tea such as chamomile
Drink a glass of warm milk
Write in your journal
Lower the temperature in the room
Use soothing aromatherapy oils such as lavender, vanilla, chamomile, and jasmine
Try signing a lullaby to yourself
What can I do when I don’t have any motivation?
Never underestimate the power of nature to heal. Getting outside in nature can have a profound effect on both your psyche and your health. You may not have motivation to get some of the big things done, but find the decision within that will get you outside. Make a decision and give yourself a little push just to get beyond the apathy and lethargy. Take yourself out in nature, alone wandering through the woods, walking through the park, sitting by a creek, or smelling the wind. Sometimes you need to feel the earth under your feet, to bury your toes in the grass, or walk in the woods and feel the sacred energy of very old large trees. Today, go outside and notice a bird, a butterfly, or the rustle of the wind through the leaves.
I’m feeling overwhelmed with life. What should I do?
Feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated are symptoms associated with depression. If you find that you’ve let things pile up and now everything seems insurmountable, it’s time to either enlist help or break things up into smaller tasks. Instead of, “I will clean the entire kitchen” try, “I will put the dishes into the dishwasher.” Instead of “I will organize my house” try, “I will clean my bathroom sink.” Once you’ve finished your task, take a deep conscious breath and recognize your achievement.
What should I do when I’m thinking thoughts of suicide.
Suicidal thoughts are noisy and chaotic, and they bring an energetic sense of urgency. Giving yourself permission to express your thoughts of suicide brings that energy and urgency out into the open. Though it’s a natural tendency to hide suicidal thoughts, explore those suicidal ideas in a manner that brings them outside yourself. Talk to someone, often, about what you’re feeling and how it feels to be you right now. If you’re feeling suicidal, bring that into the conversation. Find someone who can observe and listen in a calm, nonjudgmental, and non-confrontational manner. Don’t wait until things get better—or worse. Call someone—a friend, family member, counselor, clergy, or suicide prevention hotline—that is capable of listening with supportive attention.
Depression is a process and the more you know about that process, the more you can help yourself move through the experience. If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
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Depression is by its very nature a time to withdraw and move through a process. However, it’s so easy to move beyond the natural withdrawal tendency into isolation. The intense feelings of overwhelm and the heavy burden of depression leaves us assured that no one could possibly want to be around us during this experience. This belief firms up as we notice that friends and family will spend time with us when we are feeling “up,” but those same people seem to avoid us completely when we are feeling especially “down.”
I believe that family and friends seemingly abandon us during our darkest hours for many reasons. One of the reasons is that despite the extreme loneliness we feel, we are also driven by an inner spiritual desire to be alone and work through the dark moments of our depression process. We need this solitary time to find our own way, to heal in nature and to move through the process by giving creative expression to our feelings in outlets such as journal writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, crying, walking, or other forms of emotional healing.
Despite our need for withdrawal and alone time, there are times when we absolutely need to be with family or friends who can sit with us, comfort us, and share their non-depressed energy with us. Usually we look for that type of company when we are at an especially low place in our depression. As we look for this type of compassionate support, we might notice there isn’t anyone to call on. Where have they gone? Is there anything we can do to not be so alone?
Below is a list of possible reasons that our family and close friends are nowhere to be found when we need them most. When you can understand why they have disappeared during your darkest hours, you empower yourself to help friends, loved ones, and yourself develop a newly revised relationship with you while you are depressed.
Not Understanding Depression and Unable to Connect
One reason people leave us alone during depression is that they don’t understand the depression process. They knew you before when you were easy going and not depressed. Now, they are unable to comprehend the changes that have occurred with you and their relationship with you. As you are in the grasp such an intense darkness, they don’t have that much in common with you—or you with them. They are not going through the same experience, and you don’t connect like you once did. When the depression doesn’t lift within a “reasonable” amount of time, they may back off feeling quite lost and rejected themselves.
ACTION PLAN:
It’s tough to explain depression to other people, because most likely you don’t understand why you are depressed either. But it’s important to be honest with the friends and family that you trust and love. Explain to them how you are feeling and the importance of sometimes needing your distance and sometimes needing to be around them.
Saying the Wrong Thing
The people who love you don’t want to see you hurting. In their best efforts to help you end depression they may criticize, judge, analyze, or offer unsolicited advice. None of this is actually helpful, and generally only serves to make you feel worse. It seems better to be alone than to have to deal with hurtful statements. You end up pushing people away when they offer statements that only make you feel worse.
ACTION PLAN:
Let people know when their comments are not helpful. Although you have limited energy and initiative right now, go the extra mile and tell people what would be helpful. If you’re crying, let them know it’s okay that they don’t know what to do or say. You don’t know either. What you want is just someone who will sit with you with acceptance and presence.
Not Knowing What to Say
When you are depressed, your loved ones naturally want to help in any way they can. But when they don’t know what to say, it’s easy for them to feel uncomfortable and even paralyzed in their inability to search for and articulate the right words. They simply don’t know how to respond to the situation. This feeling is so uncomfortable, they may withdraw completely—not because they don’t love you when you are depressed, but because they truly are at a loss of knowing what to day.
ACTION PLAN:
Help those around you by giving them direct guidance. Let them know that when things are especially difficult, you need them to listen so that you can unburden some of the heavy energies of depression and ventilate your feelings. Tell them that although you wish they had the magic words to make this depression go away, you know there aren’t any. Let them know that what you really need is for them to sit with you, to let you cry and blubber and wail your woes. Tell them that it is okay to listen without needed to respond. Sometimes you just need to be heard, and sometimes you just need to sit with them in silence.
Not Knowing What to Do
People, especially those who love you, really do want to help you. They make offers of support, but because of the depression you typically end up turning away those offers. After a few rejections, those you love tend to back away. Then when you need them most, they aren’t anywhere to be found. You may interpret their distance as proof that you are unacceptable to be around.
ACTION PLAN:
Let people know that sometimes you really need to be alone. Explain that the mere thought of being around anyone is more taxing than you have the energy to deal with right now. However, it is also your responsibility to yourself to move beyond your inclination to do it all by yourself. Give your loved ones some chores to do. Let them wash your sheets while you just sit there on the couch. Let them change the litter in your cat’s litter box while you don’t lift a finger to help. Allow them to wash out your bath tub and fill it with warm steamy water. Allowing in the support of others—in ways that feel right and helpful to you—is healing. In addition, telling your loved ones exactly how they can help will ease your burden while at the same time allowing them an opportunity to be more compassionate towards your depression. When they are not always being pushed away, your loved ones will be much more likely to be there when you need them the most.
Feeling Useless
There’s a commercial that states, “Who does your depression hurt?” And in truth, your depression does hurt the people around you. Nothing makes a person feel more helpless than watching someone they love suffering. Your family and friends often feel lost and useless knowing you are in such pain. They may feel guilty not knowing what to do or how to help relieve your suffering. In addition, your dark mood may trigger their inner fears, doubts, and anxieties. As you face your own depression, notice your desire to escape your uncomfortable emotions. The same may be true for your friends and loved ones: not knowing how to cope, they may retreat in an effort to avoid feeling their own uncomfortable emotions.
ACTION PLAN:
Don’t let the commercial make you feel guilty about being depressed. You are depressed and all life experiences—including this one—has merit and importance. You probably won’t understand the importance of depression until long after it has lifted, but it is a meaningful life experience nonetheless. More importantly, you are meaningful and valuable even while you are experiencing depression. Take a few deep breaths and understand that naturally your depression affects the people around you. Then take responsibility by letting your friends and loved ones know that you realize they may be uncomfortable with your depression and / or their own emotions. If the shoes were reversed, you might not know what to do or say either. Then thank them for doing their best to help you through this journey.
Depression is a lonely experience. However, by taking action on the tips above, you can give yourself the space you need when you need it and the comfort from others when you need it.
If you or someone you know is depressed, Depression Freedom is a powerful book that reveals new insights about the nature of depression… and how to move through it. Depression Freedom is a must read for anyone who has ever been depressed, everyone who struggles with deep depression or is even now feeling like there is no way out, their friends and family members, as well as counselors and therapists seeking practical, real life healing tools and an empowering message of hope and transcendence.
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Happiness Principle #8:
Fighting the Bad Does Not Create Happiness
There’s something about mass consciousness that lures us into believing that in order to be happy we have “fight” what is wrong with us. We fight a cold, we battle our weight, we go to war with our illnesses, and we attempt to control our brains by fighting off negative thoughts and thinking only good thoughts. Yet despite this tendency to battle life, we all know deep within our hearts that love is always the answer. It’s not always the quick and easy answer, and it can be difficult to bring love into a frightful situation, but love really does heal all wounds. Love is the joy that you are. Next time you are tempted to fight the good fight, decide differently.
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